Praying for a Little One

I have something to tell y'all...

2010-12-06T12:39:00.000-08:00

I honestly don't know how to start this post or how to even begin...my heart is beating out of my chest as I'm just trying to even begin to come up with the words to say so I guess I'm just going to have to come out and say it. I'm pregnant. To say that I'm shocked, surprised, amazed, overjoyed...doesn't really begin to even describe how I'm feeling right now. Shaun and I are so incredibly grateful to God for this precious miracle.

Now for the story...

If you've been reading my blog recently, then you know that I went back to my RE last month and got extremely discouraging news based on my bloodwork and history about trying for another baby. Our doctor didn't say that it couldn't happen any other way, but he stated that we would most likely need at least an injectable cycle to get pregnant. Shaun and I started to argue for a few days as we tried to figure out how we could financially go for an injectable cycle, and we finally came to the conclusion that it would be a long time before we would have the money (as in at least a year). Little did I know that I was already pregnant. I started to become okay with waiting because I knew we are incredibly blessed to have Henry and if God has taught us anything through this..it is that babies are worth the wait. At 11 dpo, I took my temp in the morning, and it didn't drop (temp always drops the day you are going to start and I only had a 11 day luteal phase). I thought to myself that wow that was great that my body was starting to do better (a longer luteal phase) on the Making Babies program (see below for more info). The next day...temp was up again, and the thought still didn't enter my mind that I could really be pregnant...I was just encouraged by the progress my body was making. But that night, I happened to be in dollar tree passing by the pregnancy tests, and I decided to throw one in my basket. I wasn't really thinking about testing that night but as soon as I got home I headed for the toilet because I just needed to know. I wasn't nervous taking the test because I just knew I wasn't pregnant. I didn't see a line so I asked Shaun to come look at the test. He put it on the counter where there was better lighting, and he said he thought he saw another line. Sure enough there was a very, very faint line, but dollar tree tests have been mean to me in the past so I figured it was wrong but of course was starting to go crazy at this point. I finally remembered that I had a clearblue digital in my cabinet so I waited a few hours and decided to take a test so that I could get these crazy thoughts out of my head. And a minute or so later...it popped up "pregnant." My heart immediately started singing praises to God as I started to shake. I walked into the living room to show Shaun, and he could not believe it. He kept asking that if "you pee on this test and it says you are pregnant then that means you are pregnant??" as if my infertile pee wouldn't give accurate results :). We laughed and prayed and sat in shock and laughed again. The next morning was Sunday morning, and the song on the post below was the special music that day. There is even more to this story that is such a God thing, but it isn't my story to tell so I will have to finish that part in a few weeks.

We shared the news with our parents and close family over Thanksgiving with Henry wearing a "big brother" shirt, and they couldn't have been more excited. My parents had been praying daily in the morning that we would be able to conceive naturally and so this was a huge answer to prayer for them.

I had a huge scare last Monday, and I thought I had lost the baby. I was cramping really bad for hours, and I even had a negative pregnancy test in the afternoon (I think I might have gone the bathroom too soon before I tested so there wasn't enough time for the hormone to show up). I really thought I miscarried and spent the evening in a dark room in bed crying my eyes out (the cramping stopped later that night). My OB office got me in the next morning and to our surprise and delight...we saw a precious little baby and heard the most beautiful sound in the world...a little 5 weeks 6 days baby's heartbeat. I have started to feel pretty nauseous recently, which I'm trying to take as a good sign. I felt very strongly when I found out I was pregnant that I'm to enjoy every day that I'm given with this baby instead of worrying so that is what I'm trying to do. I'm 7 weeks tomorrow and we will go in next week for another ultrasound to check on baby.

Some of my friends and family that have found out have asked me if I believe that making the changes that I made from Making Babies and the natural supplements/vitamins helped me get pregnant. I hesitate to answer that question because I don't want to give credit where credit is not due. God created this life, and He is the one that has made this conception take place. But I also know that God works through surgery, medicine, doctors and natural methods. It is hard to say whether or not it really made a difference or not. I will say though that I felt very strongly that God led me to that book so I do believe that there was a reason that He brought me to it. I don't know if it was for me or for a few of my readers or both. There are several of you...Lisa, K, and Megan who have been working through the book and making changes so I look forward to hearing how everyone's cycle or overall health starts to improve.

I do realize that this news was probably difficult for many of you to hear even if you are happy for me. Just know that I'm praying so hard for all of you. And I'm still here. This blog will remain an infertility blog (will blog about my pregnancy on my other blog) as long as God continues to call me here, and I still feel very much called to be involved in supporting all of you.

If you know me in real life and have somehow found my blog...could you keep this a secret but leave me a comment to let me know that you know? I don't mind y'all reading at all :).

A song to share

2010-11-23T09:47:00.000-08:00

I have an amazing story to tell y'all soon, but in the meantime I wanted to share this song that was the special music at my church two Sundays ago. I couldn't stop crying when I heard it...started sniffling loud and everything lol. I still can't hear it without tearing up! It is called "unredeemed" by Selah, and you can listen to it here (but you will want to minimize the window to not look at the very bad choice of pictures someone chose to put with it).

RE appt

2010-11-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

I really feel the same way Lisa did about her RE appt yesterday (send her hugs and prayers). It was just kinda blah. 24 hours later and I'm still not sure what to really say about it. I told Shaun that I felt so infertile when I left. He kinda laughed at me and said that is probably how most women feel when they leave that clinic. True but still...it is no fun feeling infertile. I guess the one highlight of the appointment is that Dr.H did agree that my estrogen bloodwork was "really low" so Dr.Google was right again!! This is why you ALWAYS get your bloodwork levels from your nurse ladies. Never accept it when they call you and say "your bloodwork came back normal." This is what you say..."oh good!! do you mind giving me the levels so I can write them down for my records??" Then run to google. If you haven't done this in the past, go get a copy of all of your medical records. Dr. H did say that the bfeeding (even though we are down to not very many feedings per day) could still be causing an elevated prolactin and that could be causing the estrogen to be lower. While this might be the case, I'm pretty confident my estrogen has always been on the low side because of my thin lining etc. The second highlight would be that I was able to introduce him to the "Making Babies" book. He didn't seem very interested, but I encouraged him to give it a try and asked him if he was interested in eastern medicine, which he said he was so maybe he will read it (doubt it). So what is the plan?? Dr. H doesn't see the point in trying anything else except what we know worked the first time which is injectables with iui. This kinda cracks me up because I had to literally beg him to let us do injectables (henry cycle) and now he is all about it and I was the one who brought up the higher risk of multiples this time when he said it over and over last time. Shaun said that this means that I'm at a level 8 infertile to Dr. H and that is why he is skipping over the lower dose meds this time. Thanks hubby :) at least you don't think I'm a 10. Dr. H did give the option to do a mini-inj cycle where I take femara 3-7 and then a lower dose of injections to plump up my lining. We might consider this, but I'm pretty sure we will do an inj cycle instead. And this last bit of info is for my local friends but there is a new nurse practitioner that I'm not really sure what I think about her. I had to spill my guts to her first and go over all of what we have been through and then she replied, "oh well I think Dr. H can fix you right up!!" Really? this isn't a sinus infection. There are no guarantees with infertility. I'm guessing she hasn't been around for very long. I'm sure once she makes enough "not pregnant" phone calls that she will start to get it. So what is the plan from here? Save money!! We don't have the money to do an injectable cycle right now plus we are down to one car and trying to save for a second vehicle. We will continue to try on our own for now while I continue to make lifestyle/diet changes for optimum fertility (making babies book).

Please continue your prayers for K and Adriane and let them know you are thinking of them.

Praying for a Little One--for Adriane

2010-10-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

This month's praying for a little one is a sweet reader who googled "infertility" and "Christian" and found my blog a little over a year ago. It is always such an encouragement to me to hear from long time readers who haven't commented and so I was very happy to hear from Adriane a few months ago. Adriane is a sweet farmer's wife who lives in a small town with very limited access to fertility doctors. I love her honesty it is so refreshing to read. You can access her blog here...please add her to your google reader so you can continue to give her support through upcoming cycles.

Tell us about your ttc journey so far

Conrad and I have been married since July 2003, and TTC since February 2008. For the first year or so, I just kept track of my cycle, took my BBT, used home ovulation predictors (which always showed a spike), and tried a few rounds of Clomid. During this time, we also discovered that we have some male-factor infertility issues (varicocele). Because he's self-employed (a farmer) and uninsured, and I only have limited insurance, we don't have any coverage for fertility treatments. With our tax return this past year, I had the HSG procedure done (OUCH!). The results showed that I only had one fallopian tube open, and the doctor said that "unblocking" the other one would cause more damage with the scar tissue than just using my "good" one. Let me say here that the closest "big city" (around 60,000) has limited treatment options. The doctor I'm seeing is an OB/GYN with basic infertility knowledge and the ability to do IUI. After harvest is over this fall, we are planning on pursuing the IUI option, complete with the ultrasound to make sure it's my "good" tube side that's ovulating and Clomid.

What is the hardest part of infertility for you?

The hardest part of infertility for me is the roller coaster of emotions. I knew I was an emotional person before, but this has been unreal. The first two years were full of LOTS of tears and raw emotion. I seriously felt like I wasn't even myself. Now, I feel somewhat numb on the outside, though I still have all the emotions on the inside. Another hard part has been the test of my faith. I know God, I believe God, I trust God. However, my faith has been wavering. Why me? How is it going to work out? When will I start a family? etc., etc.

Specific prayer requests?

**I need prayer that my faith would be strong. I know God has a plan, but I need to believe it in my heart and keep moving forward with my life until my dream of a baby comes true.

**Also, would you pray for my marriage? I'm sure that anyone battling infertility can attest to the fact that it's hard on a marriage. "Trying" to have a baby sure sounds fun until you have to plan every last detail month in and month out. Conrad has been so patient and loving with me, but I really want to be the best wife I can be for him, even in the midst of this struggle.

**Physical healing would be great, for Conrad and for me. I know God does miracles, and I would not be upset at all if He decided to use healing in my story to glorify Him. He knows what He's doing!

**Finances. Farming is quite up and down, and since we're self-employed, we take all the risk (and benefits) of our decisions. God has blessed us immensely and we need that to pursue our pregnancy dreams.

How can a "fertile" friend be a support to a friend dealing with infertility?

I want to know that you're with me throughout this journey, I need your strength. Don't sweep it under the rug because it brings up some raw emotions that need to be expressed. If I'm expressing them to you, it's because I trust you and because I need your support. If you get pregnant, tell me you are, and reassure me that you know it's hard for me to hear the news. If our friends are getting pregnant, let me know that you're still praying for my miracle to come; and a "that must be hard to hear that someone else is pregnant" would be welcome, too.

***Note from Courtney: Adriane thank you for being so open with all of us. I'm looking forward to praying for you this month and in the months to come. This verse keeps coming to me for y'all so I hope you can cling to it as you wait for the harvest.
"Let us not grow weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap the harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Post below with an update on what is going on with us too...

"Normal" Bloodwork and more....update!

2010-10-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

I feel so blessed to have so many sweet readers checking on me and praying for me. I feel bad that y’all are even thinking about me when so many of you have so much going on in your own lives. If it wasn’t obvious from the post below, the old feelings of infertility started to rush back in the two week wait last cycle. If you have been a long time reader, then you know that the two week wait and Courtney do not get along very well (at all!!). As I expected, last cycle was negative, and I was sad but okay. The hardest part by far though was seeing Shaun’s reaction. I don’t know that I will ever be able to get that look of disappointment on his face out of my head. He really thought I was pregnant because I was tired, emotional, earliest I’ve ever ovulated naturally etc, and when I told him I wasn’t…he looked so sad. When we were trying before Henry, he was of course upset, but I don’t think he knew what he was missing. Now after experiencing being a father and loving his little buddy to bits, I can see that our inability to conceive is really hitting him harder this time. I wasn’t expecting him to be like this, but it really does make sense now that I’ve taken some time to process it. Part of me is glad that we might be grieving together this time but another part of me is just sad for how I feel like I’m letting him down (even though I know that isn’t true). I decided to get some basic bloodwork on cycle day 3 to see how I’m doing especially because I’m having hot flashes at night during certain times of my cycle. Nurse called and said bloodwork was “normal.” And of course I asked for numbers because bloodwork and normal don’t belong in the same sentence for me. My fsh was close to 9 so it hasn’t gone up too much in two years (close to ten last time), which I was so glad to hear. Estradiol (estrogen) was 19…google says 25-75 is normal and that you don’t want your day 3 number too high or too low. I’m not surprised to see my estrogen level low because my lining is always thin when I have ultrasounds so it makes sense. I guess it might not be low enough to be causing the hot flashes (?) or to be considered abnormal (?), but it is low according to google. Shaun and I had a big talk on Sunday about where we are headed this next year with trying to get pregnant. We both agreed that injectables are not an option for us financially at this time and would be something we would have to save up for maybe late summer/fall of 2011. I’ve also taken clomid off the table because I don’t need to take a drug that makes my lining worse and fertile mucus thick, which are two of my problems (thank you Making BABIES book!!). I also took vaginal progesterone suppositories (for my luteal phase defect) off the table because those things made my life a living you- know- what for 1 ½ weeks out of the month…not doing those unless we are doing something with a high success rate like injectables. So what is left? Probably just naturally trying for a year with making the changes in lifestyle/diet/supplements from the Making Babies book. I did make an appt with my old RE for next Wednesday who has just started his own private practice to see what he thinks about the low estrogen, etc. I’m going to bring my “making babies” book to introduce him to my new favorite book, and I’m hoping we can talk about some natural estrogen/progesterone options. He might be all like…hey nice to see you but come back in a year when you are ready for the fertility drugs, but I’m hoping he will be open to helping us this year with some monitoring (ultrasound, bloodwork, etc) and maybe some natural hormone options. I’m really just interested to see what he says and to see if the switch to being on his own is making him only want ivf patients or if he will be more interested in finding the cause/treating the cause etc. I’m hoping to inspire him to be more like I want him to be…lol! Hey when you only have two REs in your town…you have to work with what you’ve got. ***Just in case you are reading this Dr. H…I really do like you…just think all of you REs these days are jumping too quickly to IVF.*** I’m hoping that by taking IVF off the table forever (not going to do IVF where I live and probably would never do it because we don’t have the $$$) that he might be willing to work with other options. We shall see on Wednesday.

Protecting my heart (and my sanity!)

2010-10-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of a two week wait right now, and I'm starting to feel the old feelings coming back...and it is making me sick. I don't want to go back to where I was two years ago ever again. It was such a bad place...so much constant thinking about trying to conceive, jealousy, bitterness, anger. It (infertility) consumed my life. Things are different now. My heart is full and content. I'm blown away every day at what a blessing Henry is to us and how he is more sweet and wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I thank God all of the time while squeezing my boy as hard as I can for God giving us such a precious gift in Henry. But things are different now. I've experienced the incredible joy of carrying a sweet baby. I've loved labor and breastfeeding and snuggling with a tiny baby while being so sleep deprived that I could hardly move. I know now in a way that I've never known before how rewarding it is to be a mother and to see your baby grow up before your eyes. And so I find myself creeping back to that place while trying as hard as I can to block it out. Trying to protect my full heart from feeling broken again. Shaun is so full of hope, and he keeps saying that I'm pregnant every time I mention that I'm tired or he sees me a cry at a commercial...etc. This is not helping. I can see the little grin creeping up on his face, and the dreams that he has for a little brother or sister for Henry. His heart is so much more involved now after experiencing Henry. I keep telling myself that there is no possible way that I'm pregnant, but I know in my heart that I can't say that for sure. I find myself feeling like I need to be praying for a baby and then not feeling I can when I'm too close to too many women still waiting for a child.

Book Review...a must read! and some news!

2010-09-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

This is my personal opinion from reading this book. I was not compensated or given a copy of the book.

A few weeks ago while doing a library catalog search, I stumbled upon a book titled "Making Babies." I remembered briefly seeing something about this book before but was completely turned off by the subtitle..."a proven three month program for maximum fertility." But since my county library system had a copy, I thought well maybe I will just check it out and skim it for a few pointers.

I was so wrong. This is literally the best book I have ever read about the medical side of infertility. hands down. And y'all know I've read some books!! Before I continue about why I love this book so much, I want to recommend that if you have fertility problems or recurrent loss that you need to read this book. I've pretty much forced (sorry girls!) my in real life friends struggling with infertility to read this book because it is just that good. I'm convinced that some of my readers could actually find the cause of their infertility or a treatment for the cause by reading this book.

As some of you may remember from this post, the one topic that will get me fired up every time is the tendency for REs or especially GYNs to not find the root cause for the infertility. Some couples do get a diagnosis like PCOS, low sperm count, but the treatment seems to be the same for everyone no matter what the diagnosis. Here's clomid...3 iuis....okay now 1 or 2 injectable cycles (some jump straight to IVF at this point)...and then IVF (10,000 each attempt...and an incredible amount of emotional, physical, and financial stress/pressure that goes along with that). I'm obviously not anti-treatment as God worked through an injectable cycle to bring us Henry. I'm incredibly grateful for knowledgeable doctors, tests, treatment options and drugs but before all of that begins...the cause of the infertility should be found and there should be an attempt to fix the cause not work around the problem. For instance, do you know that many PCOS patients will start to ovulate regularly when their vitamin D levels are brought back to normal? This is what Sami S. David (RE)and Jill Blakeway (Eastern medicine) are all about...finding the cause and fixing the actual problem...with over 4,000 pregnancies to prove it!

The book first explains what is wrong with the current treatment of infertility, which got me hooked from the first paragraph. Then, they explain the reproductive system/fertility and charting...even after years of charting, I learned lots of important information. After the basics are covered, the authors start explaning the making babies program and the health/diet/lifestyle changes that will lead to maximum fertility. Through their years of experience, they have been able to group their patients into five different types. I found that I am "dry," and I now understand so much more about my infertility and health problems. I never was a good candidate for clomid because with my low estrogen and high FSH, the medicine actually made me less likely to get pregnant. I now believe that Shaun and I have a better chance conceiving on our own than taking oral meds (this doesn't include injectables which act differently). Each type has a comprehensive plan to follow to improve fertility. I've just started making the changes, and I've already noticed a difference in my energy level and I got a dark, dark positive opk on day 18 (wow that is the earliest I think I've ever had one in a natural cycle).

I know that some of you are reading this and thinking...blah, blah, blah. You are probably thinking that this is some get pregnant quick book or that you are tired of everyone blaming your daily lifestyle/diet on your infertility. I always tried to seperate my cycle and infertility with the rest of my health/body but after reading this book, I have a new understanding of how they are connected. Anyways...enough of me blabbing about it...check it out for yourself and let me know what you think! You can take a quiz online to find your type with a few suggestions (many more and a plan in the book) just to get started at their website here. If you take the quiz, leave a comment with your type!

Here is a pic of most of my supplements! wow. and don't worry...I'm not overloading...this is what was recommended in the book for me (my prenatal is great but doesn't cover it!). Specific dosage info in book

Check out that dark opk!

Now for an update on the praying for a little one girls...
Becky has wonderful news....praise God!!!!
Continue your prayers for Lisa during this difficult time.
Loren finally has a diagnosis...yay for a new doctor!
Continue your prayers for K as they are in the two week wait with their ivf cycle

These girls are so special to me as well as the girls that I pray for through email. If you need prayer or just want to talk, you can email me at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com

ANA Results?

2010-09-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Anyone out there know anything about a positive ANA result in the 30s (normal around 7)? Looking for info for my good friend who just got this result with her first infertility panel so please comment below or leave a link to a post if you know anything about it/have experience with it. Her doctor is referring her so she wasn't given very much information and google can be scary at times. Thanks!!

Prayers for Lisa

2010-08-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

I have some really hard news to tell all of you about our sweet Lisa. I keep typing and erasing and typing and erasing because there is just not an easy way to say this. Lisa and Barry lost their precious baby at 14 weeks. Please go over to Lisa's blog to let her know that you are praying for them.

Just in case some of Lisa's IRL (in real life) friends and family might read my blog, I wanted to share this link (click on the posts below) with helpful information on helping someone through a loss. The main lesson I've learned from experiencing a loss myself and hearing from others who have experienced loss that comments trying to make them "feel better" should be avoided during this time. Just let them grieve. cry. Let them be angry. And let them grieve on their own timetable. There is no right way to grieve, and there are no words to say to make them feel better right now.

We love you Lisa.

Significance of Dates

2010-08-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

Recently while cruising through Wal-Mart, I noticed that the minute maid pink lemonade was on sale for $1. Since I pretty much adore pink lemonade and a sale, I ran over to put one in my cart. I reached for a carton, and the expiration date immediately jumped out to me...SEPT 25 10. It surprised me, and I almost put the lemonade back, but I decided that three years and a miracle later that I could handle seeing that date every time I opened the fridge. I was wrong.

Every. single. time. I opened the fridge...I saw the date and my heart reacted. September 25, 2007 was the day that I've never felt so empty in my life. Just days before, I was full of life...patting my itty bitty bump knowing that there was a baby with a heartbeat inside of me. But on September 25th, I woke up from anesthesia knowing that my baby was gone from me.

I will say that time has helped the date to not be as difficult as it was in the past. I can remember balling my eyes out at a Grey's Anatomy season premiere commercial because the date was September 25th. For this reason, I can always answer my friends and hubby when they ask when the fall shows are starting back.

Dates are so significant. It might be the anniversary of starting to try to conceive, the start of a new school year, holidays, your first RE appt. Whatever that date or dates might be for you...realize that it is okay to grieve. It is okay to recognize that it hurts still and that you need to "check out" for a day or two. As a wise infertile friend once told me..."you don't have to be a hero." If there is a baby shower scheduled for that day or even a baptism at church, you don't have to go. It is okay to take some time...even years later.

Praying for a Little One--for K

2010-08-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

This month's praying for a little one is a sweet, sweet reader that I've had the blessing of "knowing" and praying for through email (prayingforalittleone@gmail.com) for about two months now. K's blog is anonymous so we will just call her K as she goes by on her blog, and we won't get any pics this time :). She just started her blog so please add her to your google reader so she can get some support!! Hope y'all enjoy the new Q&A format.

Tell us your ttc journey so far

So here is our ttc story so far...

I have never been on the birth control pill. When my husband and I married in Oct 2008 we decided that we would just use condoms – that only lasted 2 months.

We stopped using “protection” during the month December 2008. We agreed that it would be totally fine if we “accidentally” got pregnant. (Secretly - or not so secretly - I was hoping that we would get pregnant, and was always slightly disappointed when my period came) I started taking prenatal vitamins “just in case”.

After a few months we decided that it was time to really start trying. I researched as much as I could about ttc - ovulation calendars, websites, asking questions to a few friends and hours at the library looking at books.

Most of my friends have kids, and almost all of them got pregnant with in 1 or 2 months of trying and a few even had “surprise” pregnancies. I was certain that it would work right away for me too! I even went to garage sales and baby stores and bought a few baby items – a vintage baby bathtub and a cute little baby dish set, some little tiny socks, a snuggle toy just to name a few. K and I also had our names picked out. The first month that I got a BFN, I was convinced it was wrong. (I thought for sure I must have “implantation bleeding” turns out it was my period)

I was so disappointed, but was I was also just as convinced that the next month would work…and the next month…and the next month…etc.

I finally came to the realization that conceiving isn’t as “scientific” as I thought. After reading so many books I realized that I almost took God out of the equation. I felt like maybe it was my fault for putting my faith in “science” (sperm + egg = baby…simple) rather than putting my faith in Him and maybe He was teaching me a lesson. So I left the library and started reading Christian books about ttc. I memorized scripture, studied Hannah and Sarah’s stories and really put my faith in God, and remembered and recognized that I can take all the right steps, but ultimately it is in HIS hands. HE is the one who gives life.

After about 9 months K went to get tested. They found that he had low sperm count, and low motility. 2 weeks later we were referred to a fertility clinic about 45 mins from where we live. After some investigation they told me that I had small eggs, and that might be the reason we haven’t conceived.

So began appointment after appointment.

So far we’ve done:

• 9 cycles of "actual trying" natural

• 1 cycles of investigative appointments

• 3 cycles of Femara

• 1 cycle “off” (we still “tried” but took a month away from the clinic)

• 2 cycles of Puregon injections and IUI

I still have yet to see a BFP.

Despite the emotional rollercoaster that this is, I really try to stay focused on God and keep my faith and hope in him! I really believe that I will be a mother one day.

What is the hardest part of infertility for you?

There are two “hardest” things for me. One is the unknown. If I knew for sure that I would be pregnant at a certain time, then I could just focus on that and go through all the “hoops” to get there. But it is the unknown that I find so difficult. Not knowing how or when it will happen. Imagining the future and all the “what if’s” and wishing that I could just know! The second is how lonely it can make me feel. I don’t know anyone else who is dealing with this same thing – it is not something that I hear people talking about around where I live.

Specific prayer requests?

My prayer requests are for emotional strength for both my husband and I – that we won’t lose hope and that we will stay positive and strong. And that I will become pregnant and we will have a healthy baby at the end of this journey!

How can a "fertile" friend be a support to a friend dealing with infertility?

If you have a friend who is going through infertility – I would say the best way to be supportive is to listen. Allow her to talk through what she is going through. And keep telling her that you are praying for her. When I know people are praying, it really encourages me. The thing that I wish a person would understand about infertility is how emotionally draining it is. All the appointments etc can be physically tiring, but every unsuccessful cycle is emotionally exhausting! That even if the person is acting happy and “normal” they are hurting inside and a lot of tears fall behind closed doors. And a good hug and a cup of tea with a friend always make things feel better. (at least it does for me)

**Note from Courtney--K and her husband just recently decided to go with their RE's recommendation for IVF with ICSI so they are prepping for IVF this month. So grateful that we have the opportunity to pray with them through this most emotionally and physically difficult process/treatment. Praying for a miracle!!

Praying for a Little One--Praise Report!

2010-07-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy to announce that our prayers for Lisa have been answered! Our first Praying for a Little One baby is on his or her way! Lisa had to wait to share publicly on her blog because she has many readers in real life, and she was also so sweet to be concerned by how her IF readers may feel by reading the news. I know pregnancy announcements are not always an easy thing to read even if it is from a woman who was struggling with infertility, but I felt that I needed to share this with all of you to give you hope. God is faithful. He creates miracles everyday. God's timing is perfect. These are truths that I have to remind myself of everyday and watching Lisa's journey has encouraged me as I'm sure it has all of you. Her faith challenges me, and I know she is going to be a wonderful mother. I feel like Lisa and I are infertile sisters. She got pregnant on her 4th IUI/1st inj cycle...same as me! She took IUI pics holding up fingers like me! She is an Alabama girl, and she is now dealing with the "why me?" guilt, which I really struggled with that too.

Lisa, I encourage you to keep blogging. It will be too painful for some of your readers to read right now, but I can't tell you how many readers told me how encouraging it was to read my blog during my pregnancy because it helped them remember that all of what they are going through is WORTH it. I hope you are feeling well! We give God the glory for this precious miracle!!

Would you like to be our next Praying for a Little One? I really would like to continue this ministry, but I'm having a difficult time finding bloggers right now. Email me at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com

Well it was fun while it lasted...

2010-07-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

11 dpo...woke up this morning to low temp, cramping and spotting (11 days past ovulation=way too early, see below). I was really starting to think that maybe people were right that I might start having normal cycles after pregnancy. We infertile girls like to hope and dream..don't we?!

I'm not sad that I'm not pregnant. I really didn't think there was a possibility that it would happen. I'm just sad that my body is still acting like her old self. I don't have that strong ache for a baby right now, and I'm actually trying my hardest to keep that far far away for as long as possible because it hurts too much. I really didn't have much sympathy when I was trying to conceive for women who already had children and were having a difficult time conceiving. Now I might end up being that girl, and I'm scared what that might feel like. I know all to well now the daily joy of having a child. The smiles he brings to my face. The cute little faces he makes. I've never worked so hard in my life (taking care of a baby is much harder than I thought!), but I can't even put into words how much it is worth it. I know I will want another child just as much as I wanted Henry.

Let's Talk about Charting

2010-07-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been in contact with several readers (you can email me at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com) who are just in the beginning stages of infertility testing/treatment so I wanted to take this opportunity to talk about charting. Only you can know if and when you are ready to chart, and it is never too early or too late! Some women don't begin to chart until they are doing medicated cycles while other women start charting from their very first cycle of trying (or before they even start trying!).

Negatives of charting: (big fan of charting so I could only come up with two)
-Having to take temperature at the same time of day...every day.
-Might cause increase in stress by knowing exactly what is going on in your cycle (Example: My temp hasn't risen...why haven't I ovulated yet??!!)

Positives of charting:
-Knowing exactly what is going on in your cycle (Ex: I ovulated on day 18...and I'm 10 dpo)
-Timing intercourse (once you have charted for a few cycles...you might see that your timing has been off or not ideal)
-You may discover something isn't right (I actually figured out and RE agreed that I had a luteal phase defect and lower than average temps during my lp which led to my RE prescribing progesterone supps even with a normal progesterone number at 7dpo)
-Warning- As hard as it is to see that temp dive the day you start your period, it is much easier to deal with it by yourself at home than starting your period at work with no warning.
-You will become more aware of fertile signs and will probably see a pattern

How do you start?
-Buy a digital basal body thermometer (you will find next to opks and pregnancy tests in most drug stores)
-Take your temp every morning at approx the same time before you get out of bed or do anything (can take it in mouth or vaginally for more accuracy but take it the same way every time)
-Write down your temp
-There are charts online that you can download and fill out yourself but the easiest I have found by far is fertilityfriend.com. If you don't have anyone to refer you and you can't get the free membership, just buy the vip because it doesn't cost that much. (fertilityfriend has not contacted me...this is just my opinion from using their service for years)
-There are apps for droid and iphones as well (I'm using one right now called My Days)

Learn about other fertility signs:
-Some women are not comfortable checking cervical mucus and their cervix position....if you just can't bring yourself to do this, then just use opks and temps (side note: I do think that it is important for you to know your body best so it would be my advice to try to get over it)
-Here is what you are looking for with cervical mucus: (most likely in this order) creamy (not fertile), wet (it will be very thin/watery--fertile), egg white (VERY fertile--see below), creamy or none (not fertile...2ww)

Egg White Cervical Mucus (aka EWCM)- can be confused with leftover semen. Here is how you tell the difference--you will be able to stretch EWCM from thumb to pointer finger. EWCM is also going to be very clear while semen might seem a little more cloudy or yellow. I realize that this is gross talk...sorry! I find that for me that when I see EWCM that I'm about to ovulate and usually the day after ovulation it is gone.

-I wouldn't base not getting together on cervical mucus as it isn't as reliable as a three day temperature rise

-Here is what you are looking for from your cervix: This takes some time to learn, but you will be able to tell a difference once you feel fertile vs not fertile. Low, hard, and closed is NOT fertile. The cervix will feel similar to the tip of your nose. High, soft, and open is VERY fertile and that is what you are looking for! You might not even be able to reach your cervix and if you do it will feel similar to the inside of your cheek and cushiony (I realize that is an interesting description lol).

OPKs- I have a favorite brand of these because I was always able to see a darkening pattern before a positive, and they are cheap. They are the Answer daily ovulation tracker (20 bucksish for 20 tests--can't beat that). They say to only use them for one cycle, but I had no problem using them for multiple cycles. (Again this is just my opinion and haven't been compensated from company). The best time to take an opk is in the afternoon/evening...apparently 2 pm is the exact best time, but please don't stress yourself out just try to to do it the same time every day. I would always take my opks when I got home from work around 6pm (only problem with that was having to hold pee sometimes!!). If you are a nerd like me, you will throw away the tests that have a super light line but once it starts to get darker, you will label the test with what cycle day it is and keep it on the counter to compare to the test the next day. Most women ovulate anywhere from 12 to 48 hours from their LH surge (positive opk). The average (just fyi) is 36 hours, but if you are testing in the early afternoon every day you might even get 48 hours notice.

Timing Intercourse- If you have a dr telling you what to do, then obviously go with that! But we always would get together every other day starting from about five days away from the earliest ovulation date I ever had (cd 17?) and once I got the positive opk...we would get together that night and every day until we had two or three days of a temp rise.

Mark all of this info (temp, cervix position, cervical mucus, opks, intercourse timing) into your chart, and you will have a picture of what is going on with your cycle. See below for an example...

This was one of my cycles on clomid back in 08. I had 11 high temps which most docs would agree isn't enough...need at least 12 high temps but wanting 14.

Who should chart? Well just about every women should chart at least for a few months so that she knows her own body. But especially those who have been trying to conceive for more than six months or those who are having unmonitored meds (like clomid) cycles. I have started charting again without the temps (although I do know my post ovulatory temp range so I'm still able to take it every so often to see if I'm pre or post o), and I will probably start temping soon. We are obviously not trying as we call going to a RE as trying, but we are getting together without birth control. By charting, I'm just learning what my body is doing these days and trying to make sure that we get together around my "fertile" time (again using that term loosely). I'm not driving Shaun or myself crazy with this for now...yay and he gets to stay blissfully unaware if when I'm "fertile" and when I'm not. And just in case anyone is curious, my last cycle was 40 days (wow that is great for me), and it looks like this cycle might be a 37 day cycle (wow!!!!). I guess surgery and pregnancy is good for endometriosis (at least temporarily).

Do you chart? Have you ever charted? What do you hate/like about charting? Do you have any questions or did you learn anything?!

Crazy TTC Dreams

2010-06-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

I was conversing with a reader through email yesterday (prayingforalittleone@gmail.com), and she asked me if I ever had crazy dreams while trying to conceive. Oh boy did I ever!! I always had them more often during the two week wait probably because that was by far the hardest part of a cycle for me. I actually had a reoccurring dream that every time I went into a store the song by Ace of Base "All That She Wants" would start playing. For those of you who aren't familiar with this classic song, the chorus goes "All that she wants is another baby...ohohohoh." Another dream that I had during my friend's ivf cycle was that I was in charge of "babysitting" her embryos. I was freaking out because I had no lab experience lol...it was a very stressful dream. I also had a dream one time that they told me my fsh was like fifty something, and I was actually relieved in my dream for a few minutes because it meant I could stop treatments (this was probably a dream in the middle of a clomid hot flash). Anyways now that I've made myself sound completely crazy (as if I haven't already on this blog!)...it is your turn! What crazy ttc dreams have you had?

Better Than a Hallelujah

2010-06-08T12:21:00.000-07:00

Several new posts below as I'm finally catching up on blogging...

A few weeks back I got the sweetest text message from my friend Laura who said that she thought of me when she heard the new song by Amy Grant "Better Than a Hallelujah," and she thanked me for making her sensitive to those who are struggling with infertility. I actually had not heard the song yet when I got her text message but heard it on the radio not long after I got her message, and I immediately started crying when I heard the song. These lyrics are so true. How many times in the midst of infertility did I find myself unable to even find the words to pray? God hears our heart. Even recently, I've been walking with a friend through a very difficult time and find myself not having words when praying on her behalf. God knows our needs. He just wants us to come to Him.

Lyrics and youtube video below...

Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3AmhFXckSc&feature=fvw

Perfect Timing.

2010-06-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

It wasn't until I retold my journey through infertility at the May support group meeting that I finally got something that I've known all along, but I have never truly processed.

Leaving my surgery, August 11, 2008...my mom told me that my Aunt had the same surgery and had my cousin Hannah almost a year to the day of the surgery. I think I actually rolled my eyes in the backseat and uttered a "yeah right" to myself.

Based on the day of conception of Henry (our fourth IUI)--definitely ovulated that day because I felt it, our due date was EXACTLY one year to the DAY of my surgery...August 11, 2009.

In order for that to happen, God had to perfectly time my ovulation to that ONE out of 365 24 hour period.

Which also had to time out to be 10 days before Thanksgiving Day (God knows I'm an early tester) so that I could find out I was pregnant on a holiday like I always dreamed (He hears even our small dreams)

And then He timed Henry's birth to be August 7, 2009. 7 lbs 7 ounces at 7:04 PM (5 minutes earlier, and it wouldn't have been 7...one or two days later and Henry would have weighed more). 7 is the number of completion.

And on the day, He made a hard, difficult journey into a beautiful birth story.

God's timing is always perfect...oh how often I need to be reminded of this.

Praying for a Little One- for Anonymous

2010-06-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

For the month of June, we are going to do something a little different around here. We will continue to pray for Becky, Lisa, and Loren, but this month I want to pray for the women (who may read this blog without commenting) that struggle alone with infertility. This was put on my heart in two different ways this month. The first way was while holding hands praying with amazing women at our local support group. Surrounded by such a strong strength and bond with these women made me feel called to pray for women who for whatever reason might not have such support. It could be that she doesn't feel comfortable attending a support group or that she hasn't even told anyone about their struggles. Infertility can be such a silent struggle. You might be one of these women. Your husband might have asked you not to say a word to anyone, or it hurts too much to even talk about it. The second way this was put on my heart was when I asked a former anonymous commenter that I correspond with through email (email me anytime at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com) to be this month's praying for a little one. We prayed for her previously through this blog so she felt selfish (although she shouldn't :) ) to take the spot. She mentioned how the post to the Girl in the Purple Shirt that I posted originally spoke to her and she asked if we could pray for others like her who aren't talking to anyone in "real life." Looking back at that post, I realized that I never even posted it over here (posted on forthislittleone) so here it is below...followed by a prayer for those of you who remain anonymous.

Dear Girl in the Purple Shirt at Wal-Mart,
You don't know me, but I couldn't help but overhear your phone conversation today with your mom. I really didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you said estrogen really loud and words like that get my attention. A progesterone level of 14 isn't the best, but it isn't nearly as bad as your gyn nurse made you think. I don't know why they wanted it to be at least 18...pretty sure 16 was the "great" ovulatory number just last year. I would be surprised if your dr already wants to up your dosage just based on that progesterone number. I really wanted to say something to you, but you made absolutely no eye contact with me, and I don't blame you. I was just another young "fertile" mom to you with a sweet baby asleep in my cart, and you were in too much pain to look. I even heard you complain to your mom about how walmart has now changed their layout so that you have to walk right through the baby section to get anywhere. I remember all too well avoiding "that" corner of walmart, and I really do understand why walking by something as simple as formula and baby food causes a lump in your throat on a bad day. It was like baby was everywhere in the store (including this really adorable baby girl with a sheep coat on), and I felt terrible that I was part of causing you pain. I really hope your miracle is coming soon and that one day you will be able to do something as simple as grocery shopping without feeling the pain. I've been there, and I know how infertility follows you throughout your day.
Love,
A Fellow Infertile Wal-Mart Shopper

Lord, we are coming together now asking for you to wrap your comforting arms around those who are hurting too deeply to speak or to seek out support. You know their names. You know the plans you have for them, and we rest in knowing that in Your time...You will provide. Give them peace that surpasses all understanding and give them the strength to reach out to others if that is what they need right now. We also pray protection over their heart when hurtful words or medical facts come their way. We love you, and we thank you that we can come to you with all of our burdens...big and small. Amen.

Product Review: First Response Fertility Test

2010-04-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

I saw the commercial for First Response Fertility Tests probably close to a year ago now and even though I was completely annoyed at how the commercials seemed to associate infertility with age, the POAS-aholic in me couldn't resist. So when I started my first cycle after Henry this past week, I made a trip to Wa.lmart (who has the best price at 20 bucks for 2, also there is a coupon for 2 bucks off on the FR website) to purchase the test. The night before cycle day 3, I set out the box in front of the toilet with my pee cup (yes I still have a special pee cup in my bathroom cabinet) so that I wouldn't forget since the test instructions say that you have to use first morning urine on cycle day 3 (and no telling how long it will take for me to get another cycle since my cycles are forever long!!). Woke up on cycle day 3 to my old pee cup friend and took the test, but I wasn't too nervous waiting for the results since I already knew that I have an elevated fsh (around 10) for my age. According to the directions, after a wait time of 30 minutes if the line is lighter than the control line or not there at all, then you have a "normal" fsh. Well my line was not as dark as the control line and that left me a little confused. After all, it has been almost two years since I had my fsh tested so my egg supply couldn't have gotten better over the years. I found myself staring at the lines over and over just like I previously stared at opks and pregnancy tests, and there was lots of googling and even calling the company. Through my google search, I found that most fsh urine tests have a sensitivity of 25 mIU/ml. Based on what I've read about fsh in the past, 25 is basically game over for using your own eggs because most REs won't try with those numbers. Since I was told by several customer representatives that the sensitivity of their fertility test was "proprietary information" (although they have no problem publishing the sensitivity of their pregnancy tests and opks), I can't help but assume that it is the same sensitivity as other fsh urine tests used in medical offices (think the urine tests are typically just used to screen for menopause). I have a huge problem with this because even though some women with an extremely high fsh level might take the test and get a positive and immediately go to a dr to get tested. Other women might see that their line was kinda dark but not dark enough and assume that their egg supply or quality has nothing to do with their fertility problems. This helpful link explains fsh and a chart for typical lab values and corresponding success with fertility treatments. Take a look at a fsh of 15 for instance with less of a response to stimulation and a lower embryo quality...if the sensitivity of the FR test is what I assume (and again no way to know since the company won't say), a woman with a 15 fsh would have tested negative. The really annoying customer service rep guy that I talked to kept saying that my results meant that I had an "adequate ovarian reserve." I really wanted to start laughing at him when he tried to explain fsh to me, but I decided to give the poor guy a break.

So in my opinion should you buy this test and try it? Not unless you feel like paying twenty bucks to pee on a stick that isn't going to give you a definitive answer (unless your fsh is sky high...and not sure you would want to find out that from peeing on a stick). My advice...get your RE or your GYN to run your cycle day 3 FSH number and know the exact number.

And remember...be your own advocate!

Okay here is a pic of my stick taken from my cell phone so it is poor quality and the line looked darker in person.

A Miracle.

2010-04-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

Continue your prayers for sweet Becky and her husband this month. Their story is below.

I want all of you who feel that you are in a good enough place right now to go read the birth story over at Making Lemonade. Miracles happen every day. This baby (Chase) was covered in prayer before he was even conceived, and his story is a sweet testament of God's faithfulness.

Warning--don't read this at work because you will cry.

Praying for a Little One--for Becky

2010-04-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

Please join me in prayer for Becky this month (April-May) and let her know if you prayed for her in the comments section. I know she will be encouraged by all of your prayers, and I know all of you will be blessed by her story. I don't need lots of comments on my other posts (haven't been getting a lot lately....are ya'll still out there??), but I do expect my readers to come out of hiding or google reader (I'm guilty too!) to comment on these praying for a little one posts as I know it would be very encouraging to Becky.

Becky and her husband, John, started trying a little over a year into their marriage. They didn't immediately go for testing since there was some time that they were apart due to both being in the military. Their initial testing did find one problem, but their doctor didn't explain the severity of the issue. A simple google search left Becky staring at the screen in disbelief that it appeared IVF was the only option for them to conceive. (Becky has not discussed the details of their diagnosis on her blog for privacy reasons). Their first IVF attempt did result in a precious little life, but sadly Becky's pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Becky and John believed this sweet baby was a girl and named her Johannah Elise. During their second IVF attempt, Becky was given some very distressing news from her embryologist that was noticed during their first IVF. After receiving the news that IVF #2 was negative, Becky and her husband felt that God gave them a clear no and took time to mourn the loss of a biological child. As Becky explains in this post, "There are very real losses that must be dealt with and accepted before you can move forward with adoption with an open heart. What I realized is that for me the pain of seeing a pregnant women was less about the experience of pregnancy and more about the child that would come. I want to be a parent more than I want to be pregnant." Becky and John felt called to adopt from South Korea through a designated adoption opportunity that came to them but eventually fell through. Even though it was very disappointing, Becky and her husband are glad that the opportunity led them to South Korea adoptions as they definitely feel that they are supposed to adopt from South Korea. Recently, Becky and John received their welcome packet from the Korea program so they are now officially waiting!!!!! The current wait for a referral is six to nine months and the wait for traveling over to Korea is taking about 6-8 months so Becky and John's little one will most likely spend his or her first birthday in Korea. Something very exciting is that because a baby has to be up for adoption for Korean citizens for the first five months and an average referral time is about six months, Becky and John's baby could be born any day or just recently born! Becky is beginning to hope and let herself dream (you can read more about that here). Becky and John will most likely have a boy because boys are less likely to be adopted domestically in Korea, and Becky is dreaming of an airplane themed nursery since they will be stationed next to an Air Force for their next assignment. Too cute!! And a little boy's dream to get to watch all of those planes and jets! They are also talking about names but will wait to finalize as they would like to use their little one's Korean name as their middle name.

Specific Prayer Requests:

-I-600A be processed in a timely manner with no issues
-For the Lord to show Becky how she should be using this waiting time to prepare for motherhood and to continue to serve Him
-For peace and patience as they wait
-For healing for their child who may be born any day now and his/her birthmother as they both experience a profound loss
-For healing for Becky over the pain of infertility and pregnancy loss
-For the Lord to unite us with the child He has for our family

Becky- I'm so excited for you and John, and I can't wait to "meet" your little one. Thank you so much for sharing your journey so we can all learn about adoption and for the blessing of watching God answer our prayers.

My Gyn Appt Today

2010-04-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

I was feeling pretty anxious when I pulled into the clinic's parking lot. I have nothing but great memories of my time at this particular clinic because it is a brand new building that opened at the end of my pregnancy, but I just know from past experiences how quickly that can change. Once I sat down in the waiting room with Henry in his stroller, I heard a girl behind me talking to her husband. I was holding back the tears because I could hear her sniffling big time, and I just knew she just found out she had a miscarriage. I sat there rubbing Henry's leg just so grateful that he was there with me...healthy and safe. I guess I need to stop making up a story for everyone in the waiting room because we got called back to the lab at the same time, and she just had bad allergies ;). But it showed me just how emotional going back to the gyn is for me. Long story short...I'm not pregnant (yes my dr insisted that I should be tested since we don't use protection), but I do have a cyst (small one on my right side). My pain is still more to the left even though the right was tender during the exam. My dr and I both think the pain is related to my endometriosis and since I'm not willing to get on any bc pills, there isn't much he can do. I did crack myself up at one point...when I got back from the u/s room, my dr said he still wasn't ruling out an early pregnancy (because they didn't have the test back for the lab yet), and I replied "why? my lining was only a 6." He laughed...looked down at the paper and agreed..."yeah that is pretty thin." I could tell he was pretty surprised that I knew what I was looking at on the ultrasound screen. So how do I feel about everything? I'm fine. I know that endo is going to be a part of the rest of my life, and I can deal with pain. I'm just glad it wasn't anything else! I go back in six weeks to see how I'm doing.

What if...

2010-04-10T06:50:00.000-07:00

Going through infertility one of the hardest parts for me (and still hard) is the what ifs. My "what ifs" have changed at different times during our journey..."what if there is something wrong with me and I can't get pregnant" "what if clomid doesn't work?" "what if we do this exploratory surgery and he finds nothing." "what if I can't find the strength to do any more treatments?" "what if I lose another baby?" "what if the tiny sweet baby clothes that I packed up in a box yesterday never needs to be re-opened?" "what if it is going to be many years before I get to do this again?"

Melissa at Stirrup Queens has a special project that she is working with Resolve on called Project IF to participate all that you need to do is leave a comment stating one or more of your what ifs in regards to infertility. I encourage all of you to follow this link to read the what ifs...if you are currently going through infertility, you will leave feeling encouraged that so many other women share your doubts and fears...and if you have never been through infertility, you will leave with a greater understanding of the toll of infertility and how you might be able to comfort someone going through it. If you do leave a comment, please leave it here also.

I have a cyst.

2010-04-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

I know this feeling all to well. I have that achy, crampy, swollen feeling around my left ovary. And sorry tmi...but it hurts when Shaun and I get together (in the last week or so). Hmmm....not really sure what I should do about it because I don't want to take birth control pills to shrink it (won't take another one of those unless it is part of an ivf cycle) and a lap surgery right now is pretty much out of the question (unless of course medically necessary). I guess it could also be my endo growing back. Whatever it is...it is bothering me. Haven't started my cycle back yet so I have no idea what is going on in there! Advice?

I heart being a VW.

2010-04-03T16:55:00.000-07:00

Another post below on my vitamin d levels....finally getting to catch up on some blogging.

What is a VW you might ask? About a year ago, my close friend started trying to conceive her second child. Since she knew that I knew way too much about ovulation and how to get pregnant, we talked a lot about "exciting" and tmi things like discharge and timing. Her husband would overhear our conversations and couldn't believe what he was hearing. He nicknamed me the vagina whisperer and my friend and I thought it was hilarious so she started calling me her VW. The name has stuck and several of my IRL friends call me their VW (and one calls me her Fertility Life Coach). I love being able to encourage other women through the trying to conceive process and then to eventually see them through their pregnancy and delivery (haven't had a friend yet to adopt but I would love the opportunity to walk that journey as well). When my friend was on the way to the hospital with strong contractions, she called me to let me know they were on their way, and I heard her husband say, "are you calling your VW?" Too cute :)

Through this blog, I've also had the opportunity to encourage and pray for women that I've never even had the pleasure of meeting. I get emails like "did you have cramping after your IUIs?"... "positive ovulation test tonight...please pray" to the happiest email I've received yet "I'm excited to tell you that I'm pregnant...just took a test a hour ago and my husband isn't here so I haven't even gotten to tell him yet." Do you need someone to stalk your fertility friend chart, pray for you, encourage you through a tough time?? I would love to be your VW or Fertility Life Coach or just plain old Courtney. You can always email me at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com.

DISCLAIMER--not a doctor, and I do not give medical advice! Just encouragement from experiences I've been through so please don't sue me :)

Whoops Guess I Should Take My Own Advice...

2010-04-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

Got my Vitamin D levels back...22.5. Normal levels are 30 to 74 so I'm not severely deficient, but I'm still deficient. My Dr said I do not need a super dose but to start taking 2,000 units and get more sun. I'm also going to need to start getting better about giving Henry his vitamin d drops since this means he won't be getting enough vit d in my milk. I'm actually pretty surprised that I'm low since I've been taking supplements since before I even got pregnant with Henry. Makes me wonder what my level was before I started taking it...yikes! Still curious if anyone else got their levels checked. This is really out there and obviously I don't have a medical degree to know if this is even possible, but it makes me wonder if there is something in my genes that makes it harder for me to absorb vitamin d. They are starting to link endometriosis to autoimmune diseases (like Multiple Sclerosis--which my Aunt has) and then MS has been linked to vitamin d deficiency so it wouldn't be that far of a leap. Okay I'm going to stop pretending to be Dr. Courtney (as my support group calls me) now...

Prayers for Lisa

2010-03-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

Please continue your prayers for Lisa as she has received some surprising but devastating news on Friday.

Are you getting your sunshine?

2010-03-09T13:54:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to do a follow-up on this post that included some new research on the link between ovulation and vitamin D deficiency. Did anyone get their gyns/REs/regular doctors to run their vitamin D levels? If so...what did you find out? Leave a comment below or email me at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com. I know that my blogger friend Ashley who has PCOS had hers run recently, and her level was 15.5 (with the normal levels anywhere from 32-100). Her doctor put her on a 50000 u once a week super dose for 10 weeks and then a daily 1,000 dosage. Since I've been bugging all of you about getting your levels checked, I'm going to get mine checked this week. I figured there was no need since I'm taking 1,000 daily but apparently that isn't necessarily the case. Will update when I get my number...

Update on Lisa

2010-03-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

Lisa has a great update on her blog for this cycle. 3 mature follicles and an IUI tomorrow morning! Keep those prayers coming!

Praying for a Little One--for Lisa

2010-03-02T14:45:00.000-08:00

Please join me in prayer for Lisa this month (March) and let her know if you prayed for her in the comments section. I know she will be encouraged by your prayers, and I know all of you will be blessed by her story.

When people asked Lisa as a young girl what she wanted to be when she grew up, she always replied "a mommy." The desire to be a mother never left Lisa so when she got married to the love of her life she let him decide when he was ready to start trying. A year and a half later, her husband felt it was time to start and Lisa of course agreed. 6 months later...another negative and a quick pep talk from her GYN to keep trying. 1 year...still waiting so Lisa's GYN decided to run tests on both Lisa and her husband. Through the testing, they did find that Lisa's husband, Barry, had a varicocele which was decreasing his sperm count, and Lisa's doctor also suggested an exploratory lap surgery for her. Not wanting to wait any longer...Lisa and her husband both had surgeries within weeks of each other. In Lisa's surgery, the doctor found endometriosis. Since then, Lisa and Barry have started seeing a RE in Mobile, AL (which is about a 4 hour drive from their home). Lisa's RE diagnosed her with mild PCOS and recommended that they go on the SugarBusters diet and to take Juice Plus to combat environmental toxins. Lisa has already lost 20 lbs on the diet (GO Lisa!!). Two cycles ago, Lisa had her first IUI with a 50 mg Clomid, ultrasound monitoring and trigger shot protocol. Last cycle, she had two large cysts so she had to do a cycle of birth control pills (boo!). But now, the cysts are gone (which is an answer to prayer!) and Lisa's RE has upped her dosage to 100 mg Clomid. Here are Lisa's thoughts on the hardest part of infertility for her:

"The hardest part of infertility for me...would either be just the unknown or the constant reminders everywhere you go of what you don't have. The unknown - if we knew the date that we would get pregnant i could relax knowing my time will come soon. If we knew that we were never going to be able to get pregnant, we could grieve and move on to adoption. The not knowing is hard because you are always questioning, always wondering, always hoping, not knowing when it will end and you will have a baby in your arms! HOWEVER if we DID know how this would end, then we wouldn't have the opportunity to completely and fully rely on God and trust Him. If we knew how it would to turn it, what would there be to trust Him with?

So...maybe the constant reminders of babies everywhere I go. Friends getting pregnant and feeling like they are "getting ahead" of you, pregnant bellies, pregnancy announcements, babies, families, TV shows, movies - you can't get away from it. It is hard seeing all of that and wishing that YOU had it. The thing that I think I have struggled with the most is the jealousy aspect of it. I can trust that the Lord is in control and has a plan for me, but it is so hard not being jealous of people who have what I want so desperately."

One of the reasons, I enjoy reading Lisa so much is that so many of the things she writes reminds me of how I processed/felt things with infertility. I could have written the above paragraph while I was waiting.

Lisa's Prayer Requests:
1. For the dosage of 100mg Clomid will be sufficient and cause Lisa to have a good strong ovulation
2. For the fertility medications to not cause more cysts this cycle
3. For this cycle to end in a pregnancy
4. Strength and peace as they wait and that God will bring Lisa and Barry closer to each other and to Him through this journey.

I also wanted to share this blog post that Lisa wrote on "Why I'm Thankful for my Infertility" . It is so hard to see the good when going through such a difficult journey/struggle as infertility, but I encourage all of you who are still waiting to consider writing a list like this.

On a lighter note, Lisa is taking a pic holding up the number IUI it is...like I did! Made my day when I saw this.

Let's hope (and pray!) that she will only have to hold up 2 fingers and that this will be the cycle! This is also Lisa's birthday month (happy birthday lisa) so let's hope it is a good one! Keep us updated Lisa!

Praying for a Little One--for Loren

2010-01-24T19:41:00.000-08:00

Please join me in prayer for Loren this month (Jan-Feb) and let her know if you prayed for her in the comments section. I know she will be encouraged by your prayers, and I know all of you will be blessed by her story

Loren met her hubby in 2002, and they became best friends almost immediately. By 2003, they were madly in love and didn't look back. Unlike many couples, Loren and her husband didn't wait to try to conceive and never prevented pregnancy. It was after a year of trying that Loren found herself at a gyn clinic looking for answers. Loren was diagnosed with anovulation, and clomid was recommended for treatment. Those of you who have taken clomid know how hard even just one cycle can be on your emotions...Loren and her husband attempted six. The stress of treatments proved to be too much, and they stopped treatments in September 2008.

Since stopping treatments, Loren and her husband have been able to relax more and are waiting patiently for God to lead them towards the next step. But of course even without the stress of infertility treatments, infertility still takes a toll. Here are Loren's thoughts on the hardest part of dealing with infertility for her:

"The emotions. Infertility has more ups and downs and all arounds, than anything I have ever experienced. I think the worst part is the feeling of being alone. Although I know my husband wants a child, I do not feel like he has the physical desire that women naturally have. I see and read about so many women who struggle with Infertility yet still I feel so alone. Every woman's story is different. Some days are harder than others. One of the most bitter moments for me was when I went through my blog roll of Infertility Blogs, and ALL of them had turned into pregnancy or parenting blogs. Out of the original blogs that I read, not a single one of them was still infertile. Except me. It gives me a sense of being left out or left behind. I want so much to be on the other side of infertility, but time seems to only take that dream further away from me. I remember being that "girl" on the message boards and blogs that had been trying to conceive for 13 months, or 15 months... never ever ever in my wildest dreams did I think I would be "this girl" the girl that has been trying even longer than most, the girl that has been trying for 42 months!!!! 42 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days to be exact! but I am that girl. Like it or not. So i'm trying daily to accept that and put my faith in the Lord, that I will one day be the girl that has all her dreams come true. The girl that becomes the Mom!"

Loren's Prayer Requests:
For God to continue to strengthen her marriage and allow Loren and her husband to communicate their feelings with one another.
For strength to keep faith, and for God to lead Loren to make the right decisions for her future.
Pray for healing.
For courage to not break down during her weak moments.
Most of all Loren thanks God for all of the blessings that she has, and she prays that she never loses sight of what is important in her life.

Here is a picture of Loren snuggling with her precious nephew. Can't you tell she is just the sweetest southern girl? Praying for you Loren--keep us updated!!

Help a Reader Out and a new blog direction!

2010-01-19T08:43:00.000-08:00

Hey Girls! I know a lot of you are still keeping up with me through forthislittleoneweprayed, but I wanted to update over here and explain a slightly new direction for this blog. The purpose of me starting a new parenting after IF blog was so that I could keep prayingforalittleone as an infertility blog, but I feel like I failed myself and my sweet readers these last five months. I've been praying and thinking about what I should do with this space, and I feel that God is leading me into turning this blog into more of a ministry than just me getting on my soapbox (but I'm sure that will still happen from time to time). Since having Henry, I've felt called to pray for those still waiting more than I ever have previously. Just looking down at him and seeing what a miracle he is has made me even more sensitive to those around me who are still waiting. Starting this month, I will be asking all of you to join with me in prayer for one woman in particular each month. This month God has put a very special woman on my heart to share with us, and I believe we will all be blessed by hearing her story and praying for her. Post coming soon...

Also, I've recently received a lot of questions from readers, but a lot of you do not have infertility blogs (I don't want to comment back on a personal blog for your privacy) so I wanted to start answering questions on this blog. First a disclaimer....I'm NOT a medical professional, and any answers to questions would be only for support and ideas NOT medical advice. If you have a question about my journey or pretty much anything about infertility email me at prayingforalittleone@gmail.com or leave a comment on any post. One of the blogs I frequently read has started a Help a Reader Out post, and I think this is a great idea to help a reader get more feedback from all of you instead of just me (because again I'm NOT an expert!). Our first Help a Reader Out is from a new reader Megan:

"Hi Courtney - Im the "anonymous" commenter from your other blog. I left a comment on your letter to the "purple shirt girl". I have been seriously loving this blog. I started from the beginning and read all of your posts. Your story is truly a testament to the "awesomeness" of the Lord. Thank you so much for sharing.

I have a question... open to anyone who may read this.

My husband and I have been trying the "natural" way for 2 years. I HATE taking medicine, so I have just been praying each month. I have used the OPK but with no luck - obviously. So... I started reading a book called the Infertilty Cure by Randine Lewis. That got me going to an accupuncturist and on herbs. I have been doing that for a short while. I love it. It is all about treating the cause, not the symptoms. However, I have an appointment with a fertility doctor in Feb. (on my birthday, actually...fun way to spend my 27th birthday, right). After reading this, it sounds like I need to do research before I even get to the appointment. Are there certian things that I need to ask him, or look for. I feel overwhelmed!!!!!!

Much Love to you all,
Megan

Megan, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I can't believe you read my entire blog that had to take some time! First of all, I have the book "Infertility Cure," and I think it is a GREAT book for an eastern approach to infertility. They are learning more and more about how accupuncture and herbs can help infertility so I'm glad you are doing your research and are being proactive. I'm also happy to see that you made an appointment with a fertility doctor. From your comment, it seems that you and your husband haven't had an infertility workup yet and a doctor specializing in infertility is a good place to get that completed. First, my advice on the doctor would be to make sure he is a board certified Reproductive Endocrinologist. You can see all of the doctors in your area by clicking here. I would also check the cdc website to look at the clinic's success rates in your area. 2007 is the most recent data available, but I would think 2008 should be coming out soon. Even if you aren't going to attempt IVF, it is a good way to find the best clinic and doctor in your area. A good RE will look for a cause to your infertility before starting a treatment plan. This will include bloodwork (to see if you are ovulating and to check for other problems like thyroid etc), ultrasound, a HSG to see if your tubes are clear, and a semen analysis. The first appointment will probably just be a discussion of the possible treatment options out there and info on all of the testing. Believe me, I understand not liking medicine. I hesitate before I even take a tylenol! But sometimes with a disease/condition like infertility, you need medicine (God can of course decide to heal you without medicine, but He does work through medicine too--this is another post for another day). However, I do like the idea of combining the good of both eastern and western medicine for treatment. I know you feel overwhelmed, but it won't be long, and you will be an expert on infertility and your body! Don't stress about having all of the answers right now. Just make sure you have a good doctor that you can trust and take it day by day in prayer. Keep us updated on what you find out at your appointments!

Okay readers....now it is your turn! Help Megan out--what advice do you have for her as she goes to her first infertility consult appointment?

Find the Cause!

2009-10-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

One of my major frustrations with doctors while being treated for infertility was the very common practice of just treating the symptoms and not the cause(s). If you go to your GYN one year after trying, you will most likely get a 21 day progesterone bloodwork (maybe a thyroid and prolactin) and a semen analysis for your hubby along with a prescription for clomid. Go have fun! No monitoring with ultrasounds, no real concern for what is causing the ovulation problems...just here is your clomid candy. When that doesn't work (it does work for some people...yay for them), it is time to see a RE. Depending on your RE, you might get more of a thorough workup with different hormone levels, but from what I've witnessed from my own experience and read from other IF bloggers...it is more of the same just a more aggressive version. Hey here is this clomid or femara...come back around day 10 for an ultrasound...okay time to trigger with a hcg shot...two days later come back for an IUI. When that doesn't work, the next step for most REs is injectables. Other REs jump straight from the clomid/femara protocol to IVF (my dr is one of these- but I twisted his arm to do injectables...something not right about going from a $7 medication to a 10,000 cycle). So there you sit with two choices, go home with no baby and no treatment or take the 10,000 dollar plunge for IVF. Half of the couples (if you go to a good clinic) exit the scene at this point with their little miracles...with the other half having to go back to the RE for a WTH Appt (what the heck is a nicer term than what most IF bloggers use). Sometimes REs are able to give answers on why the cycle didn't work but for the most part it is just a better luck next time appointment. Now the couple feels like they can't step back to a more affordable treatment from IVF, they must slap down another 10 grand if they want to try again. Does anyone else see a problem with this??!! Now before I go any further...please do not get me wrong! I am all for REs--in fact I love them. They are the ONLY ones in my opinion who should prescribe fertility meds because of proper monitoring and nurse accessibility with a few exceptions. I love infertility treatments--clomid, injectables, IVF. All of these are important medications and treatments, but they should be used once everything (and I mean everything!) is looked at for possible causes of the infertility. Do you know I had to ask for my surgery? There is no way to know now if I would have gotten pregnant without the surgery but at least I know now the cause of my infertility (or at least part of the cause).

This vent now brings me to why I'm writing this post. My IRL friend also is completely frustrated with this process, and she has decided to take charge of her treatment plan and her overall wellness. She went back to her GYN to ask her to run every possible test/bloodwork that she could. If you saw this friend's medical file, you would think that every test would have already been run...unfortunately that is not the case. Everything so far has come back normal (still pending some results) except for a major vitamin D deficiency. After finding this out, my friend googled vitamin d deficiency and infertility and was floored by what she found. I had not heard about this study, and I couldn't wait to get home to google after hearing about it from her. I started taking Vitamin D3 1,000iu daily probably around August of last year along with my prenatal, baby aspirin, and dha/omega 3 oils because my mom bought some for me. We are all super sensitive about MS because my Aunt has MS, and there is a strong genetic link in our family. My Aunt's doctor told her that her younger female relatives should be taking vitamin d3 so that is why my mom purchased the vitamins for me. What if my deficiency was part of the cause for my ovulation problems??!!

Here is the current research on Vitamin D and Infertility: (hopefully more will come soon)

A team from Yale studied infertile women and their Vitamin D levels. Not a single woman with ovulatory disturbance or PCOS had normal Vitamin D levels. They even found that those undergoing infertility treatments that had a higher level of Vitamin D were more likely to achieve pregnancy. These studies were small so more in-depth studies are needed, but in the meantime...why not add a little Vitamin D supplement? (of course talk to your dr first). You might need a prescription for a major dose of Vitamin D if you are severely deficient. This was the case for my friend.

I encourage all of you who are still waiting for your precious little one to research and to become an advocate for your own health. Remember that you know your body more than anyone else. Ask questions. Demand bloodwork. Pray for wisdom. It is absolutely no skin off a doctor's nose (no idea where this saying came from?) to run a few tests. Checking your vitamin levels and ALL of your hormone levels is a great place to start. And once the levels come back...don't just accept that they are "okay"...know what the levels or results are and what they mean. Give hugs and read Eileen's story for just one example of why we have to be our own advocate (which includes finding the right doctor!).

If you do this or plan to...please let me know what you found!

The Postpartum Appt of Two Infertiles

2009-10-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

At my postpartum visit this week another new mom in the waiting room saw that I just had Henry and decided to strike up a conversation with me. We talked about feeding and sleeping schedules and all of the typical newborn mom small talk, but as we were talking I couldn't help but notice another woman sitting close by and her body language as she listened to our conversation. I cringed as the new mom talked about how "weird it was to be at the clinic without being pregnant" and many other comments that I knew would have hurt me if I had overheard them a year ago when I was at the gyn for my annual in the middle of fertility treatments. The woman nearby was flipping through a magazine and cringing every time I was cringing. I tried to tell myself that I was just imagining things, but when I saw her obviously make a face when the lab tech said, "see you next year." I knew she was struggling with infertility. I decided that if anyone said anything about Henry while I was waiting for bloodwork that I would say something so that she could be encouraged or she could talk to me if she wanted. The lab tech that I had for what felt like a million appointments during the pregnancy started ooing and aahing over Henry so I took the opportunity to say, "he really is a miracle." She started talking about how all babies are miracles once you learn what can go wrong and then I replied that every baby is for sure a miracle once you realize all that has to happen. Immediately my infertile friend spoke up (took the bait!)..."did you have to do fertility treatments to get pregnant?" I couldn't believe I was actually right about her! But it turns out I was only partially right. She did previously struggle with infertility, but she was there for a postpartum appointment. She had to do IVF to get pregnant with her first, but then had two surprise pregnancies so she has her hands full now with three under three! After she made sure to tell me to be careful (that advice went in one ear and out the other-no birth control for us!), we discussed infertility treatments like we were old friends. I know infertility is common and that I could have just made a lucky guess, but there was something about her body language. She heard things the way I heard them. She was sitting there with three babies at home, but infertility changed her just like it changed me. We can't sit there and hear "see you next year" and not think about the poor girl that is there for her yearly and praying that it is not another year before she makes it back to the clinic again. Our prayers were answered...we have our miracles, but going through infertility will forever change us.

New Blog!

2009-08-23T17:31:00.000-07:00

When I started Praying for a Little One in May 2008, I was in a very bad place in my life. The unfulfilled due date of Baby Faith had just passed, and I got a false positive pregnancy test on a clomid cycle that month. I found myself needing to write down my feelings to sort things out, but I didn't expect anyone to read along. I didn't anticipate how therapeutic blogging would be for me or the incredible amount of support and encouragement I would receive from the amazing community of infertility bloggers around the world. It is such a blessing to be able to look back now at the archives of Praying for a Little One and see what God has done in just a year. As I enter my third week of motherhood, I find myself wanting to blog about the little adventures and sweet moments of our little guy. I'm keeping Praying for a Little One active as an infertility blog and will continue to post thoughts and encouragement about infertility so I've decided to create a separate parenting after infertility blog. So much to say...so little time! It has definitely been the most life changing, challenging, and joyful three weeks of my life. Come laugh with us as we figure out how to be parents to our little miracle!
http://forthislittleoneweprayed.blogspot.com

Birth Story

2009-08-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

August 7, 2009. The best day of our lives. The alarm went off at 3:30 AM, but I was already wide awake. I think I got about two hours of sleep. Shaun and I both easily got out of bed and started getting ready to leave for the hospital. I took a nice long shower and got all fixed up for the hospital. I'm sure the L&D nurses laugh at the couples who come in so cleaned up, but we were that couple--Shaun in his new light blue and white stripe polo, and I was in full makeup and pearls. We wanted to make sure we were the first ones in line at the hospital so we left our house at 4:30 AM to make it to the hospital by 5:00 AM (instead of 5:30 which is when we were actually supposed to be there). On the way over to the hospital I was having contractions five minutes apart. I was hoping that this might mean I could avoid pitocin, but unfortunately I still needed it. Shaun and I hurried in to the hospital to check-in, and we were happy to see that we were the first ones there. Shaun was making me laugh like crazy while we waited to be admitted. A couple minutes later...another couple arrived, and they even tried to save time by driving up to the door (this hospital is a one floor hospital with parking right in front- not really necessary). The competition was now on! They called both of us back at basically the same time to be admitted. I was getting out my cards as fast as I could and ready with my pen to sign as quickly as possible. Our lady was slow so the other couple almost beat us, but we got out right before them and made it to L&D first. Once we got into the room, they asked for the usual urine sample and for me to change into my hospital gown. This of course is when it started feeling more real, but we still were laughing and having a good time. The nurses made me take out my pearl earrings (so sad) and then attempted to have me take off my wedding ring--that ring wasn't going anywhere--it was so tight! I actually had a choice about whether or not I wanted an enema or not, and I opted for one--no pooping on the table for me! and I was hoping it would get labor going. They asked Shaun to go to the cafeteria for 30 minutes, and I was given some privacy :). I really didn't think the enema was bad at all, but I was pretty cleaned out already (see post below for more info if you really care to know ;). Right around 7 AM, my nurse for the day came in to get my pitocin started (started at 6 mu) , and I was so excited to see that it was my nurse from my pre-term labor scare- Elizabeth! She was so sweet that day when I was completely freaked out, and I knew she would be a great labor and delivery nurse. We sat and talked with her about our intentions to try for natural childbirth without medication. She was very supportive of whatever we wanted to try. Not long after that my doctor came in to check me and to break my water. I was still the same dilation/effacement from my appointment on Monday (3-4 cm). It was such a weird sensation when he broke my water....a big warm gush of fluid. And it kept coming and coming and coming...I couldn't believe how much fluid kept coming out for the next few hours. I started feeling more pain once my water was broken. At this point it was just an uncomfortable cramping at the time of the contractions. It was similar to the very, very beginning of my menstrual cramps (remember that I have endometriosis so I experience a much more intense level of pain once the cramps really kick in with my period). I knew at this point that it would be best for me to rest as much as possible and to stay distracted from the pain so I labored in bed and visited with several family members and friends. By the time my mom arrived to the hospital probably around 9 AM, my contractions were intense. They were now to the pain level that I experience with my menstrual cramps. I could no longer talk during the contractions, and it was impossible to distract me from the pain. The only difference between this and my cramps is that I actually got a two minute break and that made a huge difference. So to those endo girls out there...yes it is very close to childbirth pain. I always used to tell Shaun that my pain had to be close to childbirth, and I was right! My mom had natural childbirth with all four of us so she kept reminding me about the importance of relaxing during the contractions. This really is so key to dealing with the pain. If you tense up, you will experience so much more pain. You have to focus on relaxing your entire body during the contraction. My mom was sitting there trying to breathe and relax during the contractions, and it was cracking me up. It was obvious that she needed to breathe more than I did at that point--she was very tense as any mother would be when their daughter is in labor. Then my two wonderful sister-in-laws (I don't have any sisters so they are the closest thing I have, and they are the best) came in to see me for a few minutes. I was very happy to get to see them, and they came just in time. I was getting to the point where I was about to not be able to see anyone. I was able to visit like usual in between contractions, but I was really hurting during my contractions. They were all three rubbing me during the contractions which definitely helped. At this point I looked over at my pitocin dosage to see that it was 24...much more than 6...and I could tell. After my sister-in-laws left, my nurse checked me, and I was only 4 almost 5cm. I thought for sure I would have made more progress, but Elizabeth was very encouraging and explained to me that getting to five was the hardest part and that it will go much faster after reaching five...and she was right! It was at this point that Shaun and I both could tell it was time to start focusing and finding a rhythm and position that worked for me during the contractions. Elizabeth turned off the overhead lights, and Shaun started the music that we brought for labor (my blog playlist actually). I decided to sit on the exercise ball during the contractions. This is when hours felt like minutes. I know it would seem that it would be the opposite, but time flew for me. Shaun was an amazing labor coach. I mean amazing. The several hours that we spent together during labor were some of the most bonding moments of our entire marriage. Shaun massaged my lower back during every contraction and helped me stay focused on breathing and relaxing. The contractions were so close together at this point (pitocin now at 36) that we literally had less than a minute break sometimes no break at all between contractions. I moaned, rocked, and prayed out loud. It probably sounded like a revival was going down in that delivery room! I loved being able to experience labor physically and emotionally. It is hard to describe the pain level at this point in the labor, but the one thing that surprised me about the pain was the incredible amount of pressure that I felt with every contraction. It felt like I was feeling his head move down with every contraction, and it probably was! I felt more pressure while standing or on the birth ball, but I knew this meant that I was making progress. At the point that I decided to get an epi, I was no longer getting much of a break between contractions, and I started to feel fear of what was to come. This is very typical of the transition portion of labor, but I decided at that point to have my nurse check me and to probably get an epidural. She checked me, and I was almost 8 cm. I knew that I could make it without the epi, but I decided at that point that I didn't want to! Once I made the call for the epi, they sent Shaun out of the room to prepare me for the epi, and I had to stay in bed as they got everything setup. This was most definitely the worst pain I experienced during the entire labor. I didn't have Shaun there to help me through the contractions, and the pain was pretty much impossible to handle alone. I was extremely annoyed with the anesthesiologist and his nurse. The first thing the anesthesia nurse said when she walked in was "I knew you were going to get an epidural." I never even saw this woman before, and she just "knew" I was getting an epi. Were they taking bets out there or something? I was in the middle of a contraction so I didn't say a word, but I felt like calling off the epi at that second and telling her where she could put her epi. I know that doesn't sound like me, but I just about had it! But fortunately I didn't...and somehow I made it through the procedure without Shaun. It was definitely a relief when the epidural kicked in for sure. I don't regret getting the epidural at the end, and I most definitely don't regret attempting natural childbirth. I already know that if I'm blessed to ever experience labor again that I will try to avoid induction, and I will attempt a completely natural labor and delivery. It is like my recovery nurse said at the hospital, "if anyone actually had the opportunity to go into childbirth naturally...it might actually be possible to have a natural childbirth." I don't regret inducing this time because it was so wonderful to have all of our family in town the night before our delivery and the delivery day. Everything worked out exactly as I would have hoped, and I don't have any regrets. Shaun and I spent a few quiet moments together, and we both started to get emotional as we realized how close we were to holding our sweet boy. Not long after the epi, I was 10 cm, and it was time to start pushing. Wow! It is pretty much impossible to push when you can't feel yourself pushing! Shaun and I both weren't really prepared for the pushing stage of delivery. Shaun was on one side holding one leg up...my nurse Elizabeth was on the bed watching the progress and stretching, and another really great labor and delivery nurse held my other leg. They finally came in and turned my epi down which really helped me to be able to at least feel some pressure. And they brought in a mirror! I was a little not sure about this, but the mirror really helped! I was able to see his head, and it really helped to see that I was making progress. Plus, I was starting to get a little jealous of Shaun getting to see his head so I'm glad I got the mirror :). Yes...Shaun watched the progression the entire day so he wasn't at all freaked out by the look of things down there :). Two hours later...it was time to bring in the doctor and the team of nurses for delivery. It seemed like within seconds of the nurses making the call that the room transformed. Big lights came out from the ceiling...blue drapes were placed all over me, and everyone got into position. I couldn't believe the moment finally arrived. All of that waiting for this sweet little miracle, and we were minutes away. My doctor talked me through the rest of the pushes. And then I felt Henry enter the world. It was such an incredible feeling! My doctor lifted him up, and it was love at first sight. I reached out my hands to feel him as Shaun cut the cord, and my doctor asked if I wanted to hold him. I of course said, "Yes!! I want to hold him!!" and at that moment, he was placed in my arms. I will never forget how amazing it felt to feel him on my chest. I can't even describe the joy. They had to take Henry over to the warming table to get cleaned up so Shaun went over to be with him. Everyone was busy working around me, and I was just laying there laughing and crying at the same time. I'm sure my doctor was having a hard time stitching me up because I couldn't stop laughing! They had to take Henry over to the warming table to get cleaned up so Shaun went over to be with him. Everyone was busy working around me, and I was just laying there laughing and crying at the same time. A few minutes later (which felt like forever), I got to hold Henry again before Shaun took him out to see our family and friends. Everyone was waiting forever for us because they knew we were pushing around four and now it was 7 o'clock! I think everyone was getting pretty worried! Shaun walked out with him, and a few seconds later, I heard this big outburst of squeals. I started crying my eyes out at that point, and I asked a nurse to tell my mom to come back to see me. My mom came walking through the door, and she was crying really hard. It was such a special moment that we were able to share together. About 30 minutes later, Shaun and a nurse returned with our sweet boy to try to nurse. I was worried before delivery about breastfeeding for the first time, but the nurse helped him latch on, and he immediately took to breastfeeding. I just looked down and couldn't believe my eyes. What a miracle! A year ago I was preparing for surgery...in December we saw a sweet baby the size of a pea with a strong heartbeat...and now there he was looking at me with his precious eyes. How great is our God?
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23

Baby Henry is Here!

2009-08-09T06:00:00.001-07:00

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting" Psalm 126:5

Joyfully annoucing the birth of Henry Jackson born August 7, 2009, 7 lbs 7 ounces 21 inches long at 7:04 PM. He is a perfect miracle from God. Birth story coming soon...

Labor Update #2

2009-08-07T13:12:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update...wow there really is no way to describe the pain. I held out until around 2 pm, but I decided to get an epi at 8 cm. I don't regret one second of the natural childbirth because I think it helped with progress, but now I'm relaxed and ready to enjoy the rest of the birthing process. Shaun was absolutely amazing!!! I'm getting pretty emotional as we get closer to meeting our sweet boy!! I can't believe it! Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery!

Labor Updates

2009-08-07T04:23:00.001-07:00

Today is the day!! Shaun and I are so excited!! We are all checked in, and I'm having contractions five minutes apart without any meds yet. This is actually just a test to make sure that I can email updates from my blog via blackberry. Will continue to send many more updates so stay tuned!

Thankful.

2009-08-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do with myself! We are going to meet Baby Henry by Friday and as much as I try to wrap my brain around that I feel like I'm living in a dream. I know there is probably so much that I need to do around the house to prepare, but I don't know what to do. Some of our family is coming up tonight so this is my last chance to get ready. Right now I'm sitting here looking up at one of my favorite pictures taken of Shaun and I on our wedding day. Our photographer pulled us away from the reception to take some pictures outside. We sat on a bench together, and my forehead was resting on Shaun's cheeks. Most of our wedding day was a blur, but I can distinctly remember the stillness of that moment and how amazing it felt to be together. It makes me want to cry (I am crying actually) when I look at that picture because we had no idea at that time how much heartache we were going to face and how much deeper our relationship would become because of our trials together. I can now say as we are days away from meeting our sweet little miracle that I wouldn't take back one second of the wait...not one tear...because I'm so grateful for how God has used infertility in our lives. I can see His purpose in the pain. I've loved every moment of this pregnancy...even the bedrest. To feel so full of life after so many years of feeling empty and barren, there are no words to describe that joy. I guess to be honest there is a part of me that is a little sad about it being over, but I know that will all melt away when I finally get to look into the eyes of our sweet boy. I will keep all of you updated if anything happens!

Progress!

2009-08-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a much better doctor appointment than last week! What a difference a week can make! I'm currently 3 almost 4 cm dilated, 60% effaced, and Henry is dropped and ready to go! Dr says it could be any day. We are going to wait on induction and if nothing happens by Friday morning then we will start a small dosage of pitocin to get things going. So what does this mean????? Shaun and I are going to get to meet our sweet boy by this Friday. We are literally hours/days away from holding him. As much as I try to wrap my brain around that, I just don't think I'm going to believe it until I get to kiss his sweet cheeks. I was holding back my excitement as much as possible while Shaun and I were in the clinic, but once we got into the elevator...I busted out into a little happy dance. I'm giddy :). I'm definitely going to update the moment I even think about going to the hospital! I even have the email update activated on this blog so I should be able to write emails on my blackberry to update the blog. All of you have been so sweet and supportive through this journey...I'm not going to leave y'all in the dark! Well off to get some last minute things done around the house. Body is definitely "cleaning out"...getting ready for labor, but no regular contractions just yet.

Waiting for the Big Day

2009-08-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

When is it going to be?? When will we get to meet our sweet Henry? We go to bed every night and wake up every morning wondering if today could be the day. I really thought I wouldn't feel this way this week after our not-so-great appointment (not much progress), but of course starting Monday night and all week long I've had some pre-labor/early labor signs. Warning MAJOR TMI ahead (there is way too much information on this blog..why stop now??)...it all started with a pretty bad case of diarrhea (I stayed by the toilet most of Tuesday). Well of course this could be food poisoning/stomach bug/or an early labor sign. According to my new favorite book "The Birth Partner," loose stool/diarrhea is caused by an increase in prostaglandins.."these substances soften and thin the cervix and stimulate bowel activity." So of course I started to get a little excited...first time I've ever been excited by that! Then on Wednesday I was feeling pretty normal until late afternoon. I started noticing a lot of contractions so I decided to time them. They were coming every four minutes and lasting for a minute or longer. I also was feeling them more in my back, which is a first for me. I started getting everything ready for the hospital, and Shaun also got a few things together just in case. We didn't rush off to the hospital even though this went on for several hours because the contractions did not become closer together, and they were somewhat painful at times but I could easily be distracted from them. I've heard you really shouldn't think about going to the hospital until you can't talk through a contraction. And since we want to go natural, I would prefer to do some labor at home so no reason to rush. Around midnight...they stopped. sigh. We were starting to get excited :). The rest of this week I've continued to notice an increase in contractions. I also believe that he is dropped. There is a space between my boobs and my belly now (sorry tmi) and previously my boobs were pretty much resting on my belly. Another new development is these incredible sharp shooting pains that happen extremely low sometimes when I'm guessing that Henry is moving his head. It usually happens around a time that he is active so that is why I'm guessing he is the cause ;). It absolutely stops me in my tracks...I can't move, talk, think...until it passes. So there is the progress update! Now if we can just get the real facts on Monday and hope that there is some progress there. I can be patient (as much as I would love for him to come tomorrow), but progress would be encouraging. I've been sitting very unlady like in a squat on a exercise ball and on the edge of my couch this week trying to make sure he can get into position (trying to avoid a c-section here!). I will probably post a blog and some updates if I do go to the hospital! I try to close my eyes sometimes and picture holding him for the first time, and I just can't believe it is really going to happen and within DAYS. Will keep all of you updated!

37 (almost 38!) Dr Appt Update

2009-07-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today we started out with a biophysical and weight estimate ultrasound to check on Baby Henry since he has been a little quiet these past few weeks. The good news is that he is practicing his breathing like he is supposed to, which is a great sign that he is still doing very well in my belly. He is also estimated to be a big boy for 37 weeks at 7 lbs 7 ounces. Now I know that ultrasound measurements are consistently wrong so he could be smaller, but it is good to hear that he seems to be a nice healthy size. The ultrasound tech also pointed out that he has huge hands! They were so cute and chunky :)...can't wait to kiss them! I was feeling pretty encouraged and excited after the ultrasound because he looked so great. Unfortunately, I didn't get the best news during the cervix checking portion of my doctor appointment :(. Still no progress...Henry hasn't dropped, no changes in dilation or effacement. Apparently most first babies drop weeks before their due date and if this doesn't occur...my doctor starts to wonder if there isn't a reason for why he hasn't dropped (ex: too big for pelvic bone structure). We talked again about a possible induction date of August 5th (holy cow that is in a week), but I explained to my doctor that I'm not interested in inducing until/unless absolutely necessary. All of the c-section and induction talk left me feeling very discouraged and confused, but I'm feeling better after talking it over with some family and friends. We have waited a long time for this sweet baby boy, and if there is one thing that infertility has taught me it is patience during a unknown waiting period :). As much as I'm looking forward to the sweet day that we get to hold our little boy, I can wait until he is ready. All we can do now is pray that things will progress and most importantly pray for a healthy and safe delivery. In the meantime...I'm going to choose to treasure this precious time that I have left with Henry in my belly. He is growing up too fast already :).

Now for my curious readers...what is in those bags?? I tried my best not to over pack, but I can't help myself at the same time :).

The Labor Bag-

Freezer ziplock of snacks for Shaun- granolas, fruit snacks, trail mix--have to keep that labor coach energized!

Blood pressure cuff and belts- the l&d nurses asked for me to bring these back...I guess it saves the hospital money or me?

"The Birth Partner" by Penny Simkin- absolutely the BEST I've seen in information regarding natural childbirth...has a lot of easy to find/quick guides for situations that might come up

Labor Positions chart

Massage tools and lotions--also included a sock with two tennis balls in case of back labor

Chapstick

Focal point--Henry's 4d pics

Eyeglasses--didn't know if they would make me take my contacts out if I had a c-section

Also plan on packing my ipod with some tunes

Slippers and socks

Thin robe

Hair Bands

Diaper Bag

Going home outfit--blue with white polka dot kissy kissy gown with hat to match and white booties :)

2 gowns

1-2 side snap white shirts

2 pairs of socks

1 receiving blanket

2 burp cloths

Nursing Pads

Postpartum Bag-a.k.a Post-party Bag- Shaun has only heard the term postpartum in the context of postpartum depression so he said we should call it the post-party bag instead :)

No-so-cute Panties

Blue Nursing gown with robe

Light Pink Nursing gown with robe

Nursing Bras

Notepad

Toiletries Bag

All of our toiletries that we use in travel size. Packed new toothbrushes and contact solution in case we don't have time to pack. Also packed flushable wipes because the hospital toilet paper is like sandpaper--but I heard I will be using a spray bottle so who knows??!!

I also have a quick list of things to grab at the last minute...including what Shaun will need to pack for the hospital and a tech bag with video camera, digital camera, laptop, chargers, etc.

I'm obviously just guessing when it comes to what to pack...what am I missing experts??!!

Term!! We made it!!

2009-07-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

37 weeks today! What a blessing! I can't believe we are full-term today! There were days on bedrest that I really doubted we would ever get to this day. More new posts below...

P.S. Bags are packed :) From Left to Right: Postpartum Bag, Toiletries Bag, Diaper Bag, and Labor Bag

The Baby Shower

2009-07-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

It is hard to even put into words how much my baby shower meant to me on Sunday. I woke up on Sunday morning very excited about the shower, but I had to almost keep telling myself that it was happening because I could hardly believe it. I took a lot of time getting ready so I wouldn't feel rushed and tried to make myself look as cute as possible in this not-so-cute stage of pregnancy. I even wore maternity spanx! I don't think they helped but oh well I tried :). Shaun helped me pick out which heels to wear, and I was off to my baby shower. I could already feel the emotions starting to come up when I was driving over to the shower, but when I pulled up to the shower...I lost it. The shower was at my good friend Bridget's house. Bridget has walked this journey with me every step of the way. She unfortunately knows all too well the pain of loss and trying to conceive, and we are still waiting for the miracle that God has for them. As I drove up, I couldn't help but think about the many conversations that we shared at her house...she comforted me after my loss, I "coached" her with her first shot, discussions about treatments, and times when there wasn't much either one of us could say. But now I was driving up for my baby shower, and I couldn't help but feel so many conflicting emotions at the same time. Her mailbox was tied with baby blue balloons...a stork next to her door, but it was for me. It was difficult and humbling to see. I had these huge tears in my eyes, and I quickly found a napkin in my glove compartment to hold up to try to absorb the tears. I somehow pulled myself together, and I had an even harder time as I walked in to the cutest baby shower I've ever seen. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful friends who have supported me and loved me through some of the hardest and best times of my life. Several of my friends from my support group came to my shower, and it really meant so much to me to have them there. It is amazing the close bond that we all have when we only see each other once a month. Once everyone started to arrive, I was too busy to get too emotional, and I had such a fun time seeing everyone and of course opening all of the precious gifts for Baby Henry :). I couldn't have asked for a more perfect shower. And here are some pics to prove it!

Adorable wreath and mantle...taking it with me to hossy for my postpartum door :)

Close-up

Antique Baby Carriage for gifts

HUGE Belly!

Adorable cupcakes..H for Henry!

My beautiful hostesses

36 Week Dr Appt Update

2009-07-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

I had my weekly dr appt on Monday morning, and there isn't much to report from the appointment! I'm STILL 1 cm dilated (same as 28 weeks), and I'm kinda getting ready to start seeing a little progress. I think it is so cute of my uterus to now decide that she is no longer "irritable." This is when I'm suppposed to be feeling more Braxton Hicks contractions not at 27-28 weeks. I definitely felt more contractions then than I do now. I am so grateful though that Henry is safe and cooking! I said from the beginning of the pre-term scare that I would keep my eyes on our due date, and I continue to see that as our goal. Awwwh he might even have chunky cheeks :). They did hook me up to the belts for some time to check on him because I've noticed a decrease in movement, but he was doing just fine. Next dr appt is on Monday with a bio-physical ultrasound to check on him.

35 Weeks and Dr Appt Update

2009-07-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

I know I keep saying this, but time is flying! I thought this was the part of the pregnancy that things were supposed to drag! I will be 36 weeks on Wednesday, and we only have 30 days until our due date. 30 days or less until I get to hold my boy! (disclaimer: may actually be more than 30 days!). Shaun and I are getting very excited, and we are continuing to nest like crazy. If Henry really doesn't come until his due date or after no telling what this place is going to look like. Shaun even got new lighting fixtures for our bathroom last night at Lo.we's. I'm still very much enjoying my time with Henry in my belly, and I'm surprised by how comfortable I am these days. I'm definitely getting to the point where it is hard to stay on my feet for very long, but as long as I take breaks and stay off my feet, then I am good to go! This Sunday is my baby shower. I can't tell you how weird it feels to write that sentence. My baby shower...wow. I'm going to be an emotional disaster. I'm either going to walk around with a lump in my throat the entire time and make it through or one present or comment is going to trigger it...and I'm going to be crying uncontrollably. I'm trying to decide if I should go buy a new dress for the shower. It seems a little silly to buy a maternity dress at this point, but none of my dresses fit anymore. You know your belly is getting big when your maternity clothes don't fit!! I don't like either of the mother.hood stores in this area so that leaves me with a fancy maternity boutique type place, which probably also means...cha ching! I will probably go look tomorrow. In other shopping news...Shaun and I bought a new video camera! We actually found the camera at "Worst" Buy, but we bought the display model for several hundred dollars off. Shaun and I agreed that we wanted to get an HD camera...Henry in HD is a must! so I'm glad we were able to find one in our budget. It is also a Sony, which I'm very happy about because I've always liked Sony cameras. I LOVED the quality/performance of the Sony XD.Cam that we had at my old job even though I didn't get to play with it very much since we got it a few months before I left :(. But I did get to edit some of the footage and that was a lot of fun. So now that we have a video camera of course we are getting it out and playing with it! And we both couldn't get over how fat we looked! I'm sure the camera adds ten pounds..right??!! Shaun has now decided to put down the milkshakes and to try to lose some weight before Henry gets here. I on the other hand have accepted that this is just part of it, and I will continue to drink my chicky.fil.a milkshakes! Have y'all had one of those?? They are the best! I haven't tried the peach one yet, but I'm sure it is good too. If you haven't tried one...start with the cookiesncream...it is our fav. On the subject of weight it is probably a good time to now talk about my dr appt today...

I love my nurse. She seriously is the best. She cracked me up today..."Wow..You are still pregnant! I was telling Dr. C today...man doesn't it feel like Courtney has been pregnant forever??!!." I know they are tired of seeing me in their office! My first appt was super early into my pregnancy, and I hardly ever made it from a regular appt to another regular appt without having to go in for some "scare." Then she takes my weight and says "oh just two pounds" in the sweetest voice. She made it sound so pleasant that I didn't even realize that was two pounds in ONE week (thanks Mom for pointing that out ;). My Group B Strep was positive so they will have to start antibiotics in an IV when I get to the hospital...haven't googled this yet but it seems common and no cause for an alarm. And there were NO changes to my cervix...just a fingertip dilated still with about 60% effacement (actually I can't remember if it was 40 or 60 so I'm going with 60 for now :). I'm glad that this means that Henry is most likely not coming anytime soon and that we will have a fully cooked little guy...what a blessing!! But now I start to worry that after all of that pre-term labor, medicine, bedrest that I'm going to stay fingertip forever. Doctor seems confident that I will probably make progress soon and reminded me that it will be good for him to stay in until 39 since he is a boy. I also finally had the natural chat with my doctor. He was very sweet about it, and said that he would not pressure me to do anything and that it was completely up to me. The only concern that he had is that he didn't want me to feel like a failure if I ended up with a c-section or an epi. I explained to him that we realize that a lot is out of our control but that we would like to try. He told me to explain to the L&D nurses our plans and that they would completely respect my wishes. We laughed a lot, and I told him that if I started cursing that I would get an epi (he is an elder in our church). So YAY for getting that little chat over with! I definitely felt like I needed to be honest with him, but I felt a little silly knowing that is NOT something he hears very often these days. I think the most common question he probably gets at this stage is "when can we get this baby out?" and "how soon after I get to the hospital can I get my epi?" Another appt next Monday...

Oh and I forgot to mention that bags are packed and ready to go! And that Shaun installed the carseat this weekend. We love seeing it in our backseat...so fun! Here are some pics...

Shaun after the "easy" installation.

Catching Shaun in the middle of a little happy dance. This picture doesn't really capture how cute it was, but it makes me laugh so here it is...

"Yay I finally have a carseat in my car!"

"Uh oh...this is already heavy without a baby!"

Ready to go! Carseat with sunshade and mirror so we can watch Baby Henry in our rear view mirror.

34 Weeks, Dr Appt Update

2009-07-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

So here I am again only 20 minutes away from 35 weeks, and I'm just now sitting down to do my 34 week post. Time is flying!! We are in major preparation mode at our house right now, and Shaun and I are both nesting. Sometimes I think Shaun has more pregnancy symptoms than I do! He has been complaining of reflux right along with me (very strange because he never has any problems with that), and I even think he is starting to crave milkshakes. He spent hours cleaning and organizing our garage on Saturday morning while I stayed on the couch wondering when the nesting would hit me. Last night, I finally had a burst of energy and scrubbed our toilet for a ridiculous amount of time. My friend was sitting on our bed talking to me while I was working on it, and she stopped her story at one point and was like, "Courtney! how dirty was your toilet??!!" Well it definitely needed a good clean, but I guess I might have gotten a little carried away.

Doctor Appt Update: So I'm still a fingertip dilated, which at this point is a good thing. Of course, leave it to me to now worry that I'm never going to make any more progress and that I'm going to stay fingertip forever. When my nurse got me into my room, she was like "oh yeah and we need to get you a date!" I had NO clue what she was talking about, but I said..."oh yeah....a date!." And matched her enthusiasm! I figured it out later when my dr said that we could induce on August 5th if we wanted to deliver that day. Um....that is in less than a month??!! Of course at first I got excited, but induction is NOT what I want so I had to have a little pep talk/conversation with myself. Shaun and I are hoping and planning for a vaginal delivery without induction and no pain meds. I understand that this is just a plan and that it could end up being thrown completely out the window, but it is our goal. It would be really nice to know the date, and I would certainly love to know that I would be holding my sweet boy this time next month, but I can't let myself be tempted. What happened to the good ole days when your doctor would make you go forever after your due date before he would even talk about inducing?! And why does it feel like an epidural is required for delivery? I feel like I'm a rebel or something because I want to go natural. Now I know a lot of you are thinking..."Courtney...why in the world would you want to go natural?" Well to be honest, I want to feel childbirth. I want to experience it physically. I'm actually excited about it. And there is also this tiny part of me that wants to see how close my endometriosis menstrual cramps (where I passed out from the pain or couldn't walk or moaned in pain) were to childbirth pain--but believe me that is not the main reason why I'm going natural :). I've told only a few people about our plans for natural because usually most people freak out when you tell them you are considering it. I haven't even told my doctor because I don't want to see the look he gets on his face or to hear how he thinks it is best to go with the epi. I guess I have to bring this up at some point??!! Or maybe he can just figure it out when he walks in the delivery room, and I don't have a big smile on my face :). Thoughts?? I have decided to make sure to inform my labor and delivery nurse that we don't want pain meds and that I don't want to be offered pain meds. I think that would make it so hard if they kept asking..."are you sure you don't want an epi? or a little something to take the edge off??." I also ran into a friend at a baby store the other day who delivered at the same hospital that we are going to, and she said that the nurse didn't even really ask her if she wanted the drugs. She just said "here you will want this" and forced some loopy medicine into her IV. She said it never wore off and that it just made her feel out of it. I don't want to be "out of it" for one of the most exciting moments of my life. This gave me a little idea of what to expect with the staff so I know I'm going to have to be pretty firm in the beginning. Heck maybe I should even come in with a birth plan so they will really like me then :).

YAY for 35 weeks! It is time for bed!

33 Weeks

2009-06-29T12:53:00.001-07:00

I still can't get over how fast the weeks are flying by now. I realized today that I better hurry up and post a blog because 33 weeks is almost over! I have to say that this makes me super, super excited and a little sentimental/sad at the same time. This pregnancy definitely had some ups and downs, but overall I have thoroughly enjoyed carrying my little guy. I love feeling him move all around and how strong he is these days. My favorite movement to feel is when he moves either his knees or his elbows (not sure which one!) across my belly. Shaun still enjoys watching my belly move all around or feeling him move, but he is definitely ready for Henry to be here. I can just see the excitement grow for him as we get closer and closer. Yesterday morning, we were laying in bed talking/reminiscing about the pregnancy. Shaun brought up about how we found out on Thanksgiving day, and it got me thinking. When we were trying to conceive or probably even before when I would think about someday getting pregnant (you know how us girls like to daydream), I would dream about finding out that we were pregnant on a holiday and telling family and friends on a holiday. I also figured out during this dreaming that November was the BEST month to get pregnant because you could wear all of the cute maternity clothes (no need to bundle up that huge belly). Those of you who have been readers for a long time know that all of these little dreams came true. We got pregnant in November, found out on Thanksgiving morning, shared with some family on Thanksgiving and surprised the rest with a little ultrasound video at Christmas...not to mention that I have gotten to wear all of the cute summer maternity dresses :). How amazing is it that God listens to even those little desires deep in your heart that you don't even share with anyone? He had it planned all along! His perfect timing.

I didn't get a 33 week picture on Wednesday of me holding up the fingers...but my friend did take a photo of me in a pool. Yes! I finally got to float, and it was even better than my expectations. One thing that surprised me was when I was getting out of the pool...all of a sudden all of the weight that I'm carrying hit me as I stepped out. I had no idea I was carrying so much until I got a little break from it :). No wonder I move so slowly these days!

Being back in public after five weeks of isolation has been very interesting! I forgot how much people love to stare at pregnant women. Also everyone wants to stop and talk to you...when are you due? boy or girl? My favorite story from this week is when I went to go get the oil changed in my car. I walked over to find a magazine and sit down to wait, and I heard these two ladies laughing really loud. I finally looked up and realized they were laughing AT me!! One of the women said, "Honey...you look as cute as a button...but it is just too hot to be THAT pregnant." Now it is probably the hottest and driest summer on the record books for Mississippi so that might be slightly true, but I must be way bigger than I think I am if people are actually laughing out loud at the sight of me. I think I am in a little bit of a denial about how big my belly actually is these days. Shaun says I am so I will take his word for it :). He likes to tell me how "huge" I am, and it makes me laugh because not very many husbands could get away with comments like that, but I let it slide because I know what he means. He is constantly telling me that I look "hot" or "so cute," which is really sweet because he sees me naked :). And it looks like I have gotten attacked by a cat on my butt, thighs, and the top of my hips. Glad I didn't put stretch mark cream on this entire pregnancy only to be applying it in the wrong place...my belly doesn't have a single mark!!

Well sorry for such a long, random post but I had a lot to share!

Big News!

2009-06-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

I had my dr appt today, and my ob took me off bedrest!! So as of today I am a free woman! I will of course continue to take it easy, stay hydrated, and take meds, but I'm very happy to be able to do some things! I can't believe how fast the past five weeks have gone by! It wasn't easy, but it really wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I'm actually grateful for the time that I had to rest up and to process all that is happening right now. Henry passed the biophysical ultrasound with flying colors, and he is measuring a little ahead at 4 lbs 12 ounces. He should gain approx. a half a pound a week from now until he is born. I just can't get over that I'm going to get to meet him soon. Shaun and I both are having little thoughts/dreams pop in our head that get us so excited. Like last night in the kitchen, Shaun said "ooh! I just thought about Christmas! Think about how much fun Christmas will be with Henry." It is all starting to feel real as we get the house ready to bring him home, but I don't think it will really feel completely real until we hold him in our arms. Thank you for all of the prayers and encouragement during bedrest...I can't tell you how much it meant to me! P.S. Expect a 33 week picture not from the couch this week!

32 Weeks....YAY!

2009-06-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our big Wednesday celebration day! I can't believe we are 32 weeks! 32 weeks means that we've met our doctor's immediate goal and that we have completed an entire month of bedrest. A month went by super fast so I know the last two weeks are going to fly! Shaun brought home bbq sandwiches, potato salad and baked beans from my favorite BBQ restaurant in town (yum yum!), and we watched another chick flick this week (He's Just Not that Into You). I love our Wednesday nights :). I realized at the end of the night that we didn't take a 32 week pic, and I can't stand breaking tradition so we decided to take a pic of just our hands since we both were not picture ready (if you know what I mean-wink wink). By the way...I just realized that I held up 32 weeks last week...what was I thinking??!! And none of y'all called me out on that! Wednesdays are also the days that I take a shower and let myself take a little more time (sitting down of course) to fix my hair and makeup. Shaun came home from work and said, "Wow what did you do?...you look hot." I'm sure it was a nice change to see me in regular clothes with clean hair and makeup. Right before Shaun got home from work, I decided to stand up and experiment with taking a few maternity pictures of myself. I know this sounds silly, but I was so scared that I was going to go into labor and not have any decent pictures of my last few weeks of pregnancy. Here is a sample of some of the photos & our fingers holding up 32!

Pretty funny pic and we kinda got our fingers in the wrong order...but hey we tried and we didn't break tradition!

Shaun purchased this entire outfit for me by himself last weekend at Target...he has such great taste!

This is what happens when you attempt to take pictures of yourself...no face :)

Daddy Instinct

2009-06-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

Last night was probably one of the funniest (and sweetest) things I've witnessed in a long time. Shaun was very tired from a long week of work so he feel asleep on the couch and told me to wake him after I was done getting ready for bed. I really wasn't that tired so after turning out all of the lights, I decided to lay down on our love seat to do a little internet surfing and blog reading. Jen from Maybe If You Just Relax posted a blog about the book "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. I just finished reading the book as part of my quest to learn everything I can about babies on bedrest so I decided to take a look at what Jen had to say about the book. At the end of her fabulous summary of Dr. Karp's 5 Ss, she had two related youtube videos to watch. I watched the first video which was about ten minutes on a very low volume, and Shaun didn't move a bit...he was definitely in a deep sleep. When I clicked on the second video, a newborn was crying, but I didn't think it would bother Shaun since it was at such a low volume. About two seconds into the crying, Shaun all of a sudden throws off his covers...pops off the couch and starts sprinting to the bedroom door. "Courtney, Courtney are you okay?? I thought I heard a baby crying??!!" When I first saw him throw off the covers I thought I woke him and that he wasn't happy about it, but there he was obviously distraught at our bedroom door with his hair sticking up everywhere and a big line down his face from the blanket he was using. I have never seen anyone move that fast from a deep sleep. It was like he turned into Jackie Chan. At this point I was confused..."Shaun, are you okay?" Once he realized that I was laying on the loveseat, he got this priceless look of relief on his face. "I thought you were hurt...I really thought I heard a baby crying." We both started laughing as we realized what happened. "Well it definitely seems like your daddy instinct is ready!"

It really meant a lot to me to see Shaun react like that to a little newborn cry. It made me realize that I'm not the only one who is going through a lot of changes and feeling some anxiety. And he must really love us to sprint into action that fast from a deep sleep! He is going to be the best daddy!

31 Weeks and Dr Appt Update

2009-06-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

I am a very happy bedrest camper right now! I had a great doctor's appointment this afternoon, and I'm starting to feel like a full term delivery is a likely possibility for us! I was so nervous about this appointment. Henry was hardly moving at all this morning, and I was having some unpleasant symptoms that can be a sign of labor. I was thinking the absolute worst! Dr checked me, and my cervix is still holding steady at a fingertip dilated (YAY!!). I expressed my concerns about Henry's lack of movement so he sent me for a biophysical ultrasound. We had to wait for him to practice breathing...it took some time, but he finally practiced. I enjoyed watching my little guy on the screen for an extended period of time. He was taking a nice nap but thankfully he moved around a little for me. Henry is getting so big! It doesn't seem that long ago that he was just the size of a pea on our first ultrasound. My next appointment is Tuesday, June 23rd, and we will do another biophysical ultrasound to check in on our little guy.

In other news....I'm 31 weeks!! Last night was our big Wednesday celebration. Shaun brought home subs for dinner, and we watched Marley & Me. ****Spoiler Alert****- the miscarriage scene where they found out at the ultrasound that the baby's heartbeat had stopped beating (very similar to how we found out with baby faith) just about put me into uncontrollable sobbing. But overall it was a great movie, and it was a fun night together! And even though I look rough on bedrest...I still feel the need to document every week's celebration.

Doctor Appointment Update

2009-06-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

My doctor appointment went very well yesterday morning. I had a list of questions ready, and now I have a better understanding of what to somewhat expect for the next few weeks. Our immediate goal is 32 weeks, and my ob will take me off my meds and bedrest at 34 weeks. I definitely plan on making it to 34 weeks so I have approx a month left of bedrest (July 1st to be exact!). I asked why in the world my uterus is acting like this (like I should expect after all of this for my uterus to behave lol), and my ob explained that I have a few risk factors but for the most part some women just have an irritable uterus. Next d/a is Thursday morning.

Yesterday afternoon (after a little meltdown on Thursday evening) I was so positive and happy. I got back from my d/a, and I felt great about four more weeks of bedrest..."oh I so can do that...no problem!" I played Wheel of Fortune on our PS3 for part of the afternoon (I've discovered that this is another way to entertain myself), and then my friend came by with her cute little guy for a quick visit. It is so fun to watch him because Henry will be around his same age this time next year...pretty exciting to think about! Anyways all this to say that I was having a very good bedrest day. Today.....um not so much. I hate to even complain because I know that this time last year if I read what I was writing one year later I would want to reach into the future and slap myself. But I'm turning into a crazy lady!! I'm so emotional...so on edge...so frustrated with my husband (he gets to go play tennis while I stay at home by myself on a Saturday)...my uterus is irritable...I'm irritable. I of course don't want to get off bedrest because I want Henry to stay in here until he can enter the world safe and healthy, but it doesn't make this any easier. Okay I'm done venting, and I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day! Wow I feel so much better after writing that...whew!

On a happier note...Henry's movements are so strong. I love watching my belly move all day. I can definitely tell he is getting big, which of course warms my heart. I can't wait to hold him in my arms and put his sweet cheeks next to mine and squeeze him so close.

The Big 30!

2009-06-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

Last night we celebrated 30 weeks! Doesn't 30 weeks sound so much better than 29 weeks? I really wasn't feeling that great last night so I took a long nap in Shaun's lap, and he said I was sleeping very hard (I'm guessing that was a nice way of saying that I was snoring). I don't know how it is possible for me to be tired after laying around all day long! After I woke up, I decided that even though I looked awful that I still wanted to continue our new tradition of taking a picture of our weekly celebration.

And here is my "lovely" 30 weeks belly shot...I'm hoping to get a better one tomorrow at my dr appt...

Speaking of my doctor appointment...I'm really looking forward to getting out of the house and having a sit down with Shaun and my doctor. I feel like I have so many questions, but I don't really know what to ask??!! I'm going to write a couple questions down this evening so that I don't completely blank when I get in there. I will definitely update tomorrow after my appointment!

Top 10 Things I Love about Bedrest

2009-06-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

10. Laying around all day with a sink full of dirty dishes and no guilt
9. Not waking up until around noon everyday
8. Watching Judge shows and laughing at what people actually say (Judge Toler is my fav so far--she is tough but sweet). side note--I don't have cable, and I'm NOT going to watch soaps.
7. Getting lots of phone calls from friends because they know I'm free to talk
6. Reading about what to do once this little guy actually gets here
5. Staying in my pjs or lounge pants all day
4. Watching birds or Larry the lizard--yes I named him...outside my window
3. Shaun looking at me like any sudden move and I might pop--he actually told me that I need to pretend that my belly is a balloon
2. "It's going to be a hot summer!"--Not for me! It is 72 degrees with a slight breeze. I'm so scared to see our power bill this month--I'm in Mississippi...it is going to be a big one!
1. Feeling Henry's every move because I'm laying still all day--loving it! He is getting so strong--it is like an earthquake in my belly.

Back from dr...

2009-06-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

I decided to call my nurse this morning because I'm still having contractions while taking procardia. She thought it would be best for me just to go ahead and come in to be monitored. I'm glad she did because it really gave me peace of mind. I was definitely having what they like to call "irritability" (a wavy line the entire time)and a few larger contractions. My nurse was saying that I definitely had something going on there, but then my doctor came in and said that he "wasn't that impressed" with my contractions. He checked my cervix (I was terrified that he was going to see more progress and send me to the hossy), and there was no change!! We also did a transvaginal ultrasound to check the cervix length, and it was 3.1 cm, which is a slight improvement from two weeks ago. So what does this tell us? We are on the right track with the procardia and bedrest. I really do think that the bedrest is helping! And my dr must agree because I got the impression from him today that I'm on bedrest for good. Considering Wednesday makes me 30 weeks...I'm guessing that I have about six more weeks. So how do I feel about this? Well this morning I started writing this really sad pity party post about all of the things I'm not going to get to do because I'm on bedrest. I'm glad that I didn't post it because it was pretty pitiful, but I will mention a few things. We should be on our way right now to our first childbirth class. I was so excited about our childbirth class that I registered for it in early March. I was just looking forward to being a normal little happy expectant couple going to childbirth class. I had it all planned out that Monday nights were going to be our date nights and that we were going to go out to dinner after class. Oh the best laid plans! I also had two showers planned for this month...One here in town and one in our hometown in Alabama. Then a quick trip after the AL shower to the beach with Shaun to meet up with my close college friends (I had a really cute bathing suit by the way). Add to that list a maternity photo shoot, prenatal massage and pedicure gift certificate that I can't use, soaking in pools, shopping for Henry, a breasfeeding class, and a much needed haircut. So yes I'm a little sad. I'm sad that I can't just be normal for once. I try not to think about what this could potentially mean for future pregnancies and fertility treatments but I do. This could be it for me. We won't be able to risk multiples like we did to get pregnant with Henry. With all of that said...I am so blessed, and I have absolutely no reason to complain. Who cares if I can't get a massage or go on a beach trip?? Who cares! I have the sweetest most precious gift inside me right now, and I will do anything for him.

"Velcome to Baby Land"

2009-05-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

This week I watched Father of the Bride Part II and laughed my head off. Franck cracks me up! Last time I watched F of B Part II, I cried my eyes out. It was on television, and it was probably right after a big fat negative. Shaun came in the room and caught me with tears running down my face. He always seemed to walk in when I was watching some baby program (deliver me, baby story) and crying. He would always say, "Courtney, you have got to stop doing this to yourself!"--and then he would make me change the channel. But instead of getting on to me with F of B II, he sat down and watched it with me. I guess he realized that I needed to cry it out. One of my favorite parts is when Franck shows George the baby suite, and he says "Velcome to Baby Land." Well thanks to my sweet husband's very hard work last weekend, we now have our very own baby land. It is missing all of the final touches like curtains, accessories, and wall hangings but still we have a nursery! Here is a sneak peak...the pictures make the walls look like they have a lavender undertone but I promise it is straight up light blue.

And here was the last picture taken of me out and about..right before the big scare and bedrest...27 week bump.

And here we are celebrating 29 weeks! Wednesday is our official new week day, and we have decided to celebrate every Wednesday. I put on a cute shirt and my Henry necklace (Bridget gave to me as my Mother's Day gift--very special to me) before Shaun got home. Shaun brought home some nutty buddy ice cream cones, and we took a picture. I ended up changing my shirt before the pic because I didn't want to get any food on my shirt.

Oh and here is the blue glow that I get to enjoy from my couch...

This post would not be complete without a big thank you to my Mom! She got here last Thursday night, left a few hours ago to go back home, and she worked like crazy the entire time she was here! My kitchen cabinets and pantry are completely re-organized, bathrooms are clean, and a freezer full of yummy casseroles and soups are ready for us to eat. It was so great to have her here! I really enjoyed her company. Thanks Mom! Love You!

Bedrest: Day 7

2009-05-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

Almost a week down!! It really wasn't that bad. I'm starting to get adjusted to the horizontal life. I haven't really accomplished anything this week...just lots of movies, tv, Internet surfing, and some reading. My mom arrived on Thursday night, and it makes a huge difference to have her here. Speaking of Thursday night, I spent another couple hours in labor and delivery. Shaun was on his way back from picking up my mom, and I was all alone at the house. All of a sudden I started having severe lower back pain and very strong lower pain/pressure. I of course completely freaked out and called my OB on his cell phone, and he told me to come in to the hospital. This was the first time during all of this that I was actually feeling pretty significant pain, and I thought we were in big trouble! I knew I couldn't drive myself so I called my friend that lives the closest to me to come pick me up. Poor thing, I think I really scared her! Of course we got behind the slowest person who was hardly even paying attention to the road. I started to get really emotional, but I held it together. Once we got to the hospital and through admissions, the nurse hooked me up to all of the monitors and also swabbed me for a fetal fibronectin (fFN) test. I was feeling so much pressure, but they weren't picking up very many contractions (lots of irritability but no big ones). Long story short...it was a false alarm. My back started feeling a lot better before I even got in bed from walking around...I now know that the lower back pain was just a symptom of two days of bedrest ;) because my back hurts all of the time now. And the pressure...how do I put this in a nice way?...apparently I was full of a ton of gas!! so tmi and I will spare you more details...but that is what it was! Procardia gives me constipation, gas, and hot flashes/flushing. It almost feels like taking clomid around the clock lol. But I'm not complaining! I've heard the other meds have much worse side effects so I'm hoping we can stick with procardia. The ffn test came back negative so that tells us that I only have a 3% chance of delivering in the next two weeks, which really put my mind at ease. Obviously we are not out of the woods yet, but I'm still sticking to my goal of making it all the way. Actually I've kinda adjusted my goal to 36 weeks, but I would still love to make it to August! As far as contractions go...I'm still having them. Last night was the worst I've had since last week, but today I've had what I affectionally call my "procardia jelly belly." You can tell the muscles are completely relaxed, which is what I want. My friend Andrea was here last night, and she felt a contraction and then felt again when it was a jelly belly...it completely freaked her out lol. In other news...I can't seem to get enough food. I'm eating like a cow! I really thought I wouldn't have a big appetite since I'm not moving around, but it is exactly the opposite. I want to make sure Henry is a big boy so I guess I'm just eating to make sure he gets chunky. We also have a nursery now! It is not an empty room anymore! Shaun painted the nursery blue this weekend and setup all of the furniture. Now it just needs cute curtains, wall hangings and accessories, but it feels so good to have a room for him now. From my couch I can see a little blue glow from his nursery, and it warms my heart. I will have to take a pic during one of my bathroom breaks and post some soon. Well sorry for such a rambling post...just had a lot of random bedrest thoughts.

Pre-term Labor & Bedrest

2009-05-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

It is hard to even know where to begin with this post! The past couple of weeks I might have mentioned on my blog that I've been having tons of braxton hicks contractions. I tried to not let them concern me because they weren't painful, pretty irregular and "normal" for this time in pregnancy, but part of me was starting to feel like something wasn't right. It is so hard to know what is normal in pregnancy, but I felt like the frequency was starting to increase daily, and I had a hard time believing that women walked around with as many braxtons as I did. But I'm so tired of being "that" patient. I have not made it from one appointment to the next without having to come in this entire pregnancy (except from my 7wk to 11wk appt...but I think I called several times lol). Well Monday afternoon/evening I started to notice a significant increase in contractions. I figured I was just dehydrated or something so I started drinking tons of water. And I started timing them...they were one minute long, three minutes apart. I know at this point all of you are probably going to kill me for not going into L&D, but I didn't understand how they could be that close together and still not very painful if it was true labor. I decided that I had stressed myself out and that was causing the contractions so I just stopped timing and went to bed. When I got up yesterday morning...they were still there and still three minutes apart. I knew I needed to at least call and of course they wanted me to come in right away. They first did a trans vag u/s to check on the cervix, and they were happy with the length (think it was approx 2.8 cm (peaked at screen :)...down from 3.75 cm at 21 weeks), and I'm assuming that they didn't see any funneling or they would have mentioned it. At this point I'm thinking that once again I can't just deal with normal pregnancy sypmptoms and that I'm that super annoying patient. We did the usual urine and blood pressure and then they put me on the monitors. Well of course I felt nothing...it was like those bands had super powers :)...I had a couple but NOTHING like what I had the night before or that morning or even on the way to the doctor's. Several contractions or activity still showed up on the monitor so it was enough for my OB to decide to check my cervix. I saw his face, and I knew it wasn't good. I was just waiting for him to say that I'm like 3 cm dilated or something. It turns out I was only a fingertip dilated, but I shouldn't have ANY dilation at just 28 weeks with my "first" pregnancy (I always hate saying that but they are just speaking in terms that this is my first pregnancy to progress past first tri). So I was sent over to L&D for monitoring, and I again didn't have nearly as many contractions as I did at home. But I did have enough that they gave me one shot of terbutaline. I started seeing some really weird spots in my vision but fortunately it didn't last long and I also had a racing heartbeat (which is normal side effect from the shot). We thought one was going to knock it out...but activity started again so they gave me a procardia pill. At this point I need to mention how amazing my friends are...seriously they are the best. Shaun couldn't get out of work because he had an important all day conference call (of course he could have left if it got really bad!..he was just a phone call away). Claire and Bridget both knew that I would not ask for them to come up there so they just came, and it was so great having them there. They kept me VERY entertained. I loved how they asked a million questions so for once I didn't have to be "that" patient, and they were watching the monitor closely to look for contractions. Andrea and Jessica were texting me to check on me, and they were also just a phone call away. It makes a huge difference to face something like this with friends by your side. It really looked like the contractions were gone until right before my OB came to check on me...I had several more. They gave me another shot of terbutaline and later another procardia. This seemed to do the trick, and we were discharged around 8 PM with a prescription for procardia every 6 hours and strict bedrest until further notice. OB said we can re-evaluate the bedrest in 3 weeks if I don't have any episodes and no more changes to my cervix. As I'm typing this in bed right now, I'm still having some contractions so I'm not feeling very confident that this will just be a 3 week bedrest. Shaun is meeting my Dad to pick up my Mom tomorrow night so I will be very grateful to have her here. I know it might not be realistic, but I'm keeping my eyes set on 12 more weeks...that would put me at my due date of August 12th! I will lay here for 12 weeks if that is what it takes. We are very encouraged that Henry is looking great on the ultrasound and is still measuring a little over a week ahead. He also did really well on the monitors yesterday, which makes me happy. They did give me a steroid shot for his lungs to develop at the hospital yesterday, and I will get another dose at my ob's office today around 3. I know I'm leaving out info so please feel free to ask questions! I will update (maybe even via mobile--wow fancy) if I have to go into the hospital again or if anything changes this afternoon.

But after such a scary post...let me leave you with some 4D pics of sweet Henry. I know I'm partial, but he is a cutie! We had the 4D the Friday before Mother's Day, and we caught him yawning several times and playing with his toes. He is such a blessing, and he is just precious.

Caught in a yawn!

Thinking of all of you today

2009-05-10T07:03:00.000-07:00

Today is the first Mother's day that I thought I wouldn't have tears running down my face, but I still do. This time...it is happy tears. Two years ago on Mother's Day, I took a pregnancy test and cried my eyes out. Last Mother's Day, I walked around church with a lump in my throat and hardly made it through. This Mother's Day, I cry again as my little boy wakes me up with his kicks. To say that I'm blessed to have our sweet Henry really doesn't put into words how I'm feeling today. I'm thinking of all of you today, and praying for God to surround you with His comforting arms today.

Trip to Labor and Delivery

2009-04-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

Everything is okay, but boy did we have a scare! I woke up in the wee hours of Saturday morning with my underwear soaked. I tried to remain calm knowing that it could very easily be pregnancy related discharge so I changed and went back to bed to see if it continued to "leak." Woke up Saturday morning, and I was still having a significant amount of wet discharge so we didn't have any choice but to call the ob on-call. Fortunately the dr on call was my former OB/GYN (loved her...just not her nurse), and she was at the hospital so we met her there. I was pretty freaked out by the time we got to the hospital. We "quickly" (lots of paperwork) got checked-in and before I knew it I was changing into a hospital gown and giving a urine sample. They immediately got me in bed and got the monitors going to see if I was having any contractions and to monitor Baby Henry's heartbeat. Dr. C came right in with a portable ultrasound to check the fluid level. We were all relieved to see plenty of fluid surrounding him. He was also measuring a week ahead still, and Dr. C explained to us that if we had to deliver that he would probably do okay. I think Shaun and I both were pretty scared when we heard her say "if we had to deliver"..yikes!! Henry is not even close to being ready! Dr. C ran a ph test, fern test, and ffn test which all came back negative to our relief. Once I found out all of the test results, I completely calmed down. It was so nice to lay there and listen to my sweet boy's heartbeat. I was having discomfort/tightness...which I'm still having...and it was showing up on the monitor so my L&D nurse had me drink an enormous amount of ice water in a short amount of time. Apparently I have a "irritable uterus." I would be irritable too if I was stuck in this reproductive system...can you blame my poor uterus? After all of the cold water...Henry was no longer a happy camper, and he kicked and moved all over the place. They could not keep his heartbeat on the monitor after that, and they had to keep coming in to change the location of the doppler. He was such a good little guy at the beginning, but he had enough! And so did his Dad! Shaun was starving...it was almost 4 in the afternoon, and he only ate a little cereal in the morning. After my uterus seemed to calm down, they finally let us go! My L&D nurse was so sweet. I really hope she is my nurse for the real thing.

I went in Monday afternoon to see my OB, and he ordered another ultrasound just to make sure the fluid level was still great. The fluid level was perfect, and he was too cute in there...stretching out both of his hands. Ultrasound tech was sweet enough to give me some more pics of him, and she said that he will be the perfect size next Friday for our 4D...I can't wait!! So apparently I have a mild bacterial infection that might have caused the increase. I feel somewhat silly now for going to the hospital, but I'm going to do whatever I can to protect this little guy. Dr. C (the ob on-call) told us that she thought her water broke 5 times so that made me feel so much better. Below is a picture that Shaun took of me with his cell phone at the hospital...don't I look pitiful? It was really hard to drink all of that water when I needed to pee!

23 Weeks

2009-04-17T06:12:00.000-07:00

Very Pregnancy Related Post

I can't believe it!! The weeks keep on flying by, and I'm really surprised that we are already 23 weeks along. I absolutely love being pregnant! I love feeling my sweet boy move around in my tummy. I love the way Shaun constantly put his hand on my tummy and moves up and down to feel how big my bump has grown. I'm absolutely amazed at the miracle that is taking place, and I find it so hard to believe that people can experience this and not believe there is a God. I will admit though that I feel like I need to take back some things that I said about some pregnant women when I was going through treatments. Probably one of the hardest things for me to hear through this journey was women complaining or just talking about the common aches and pains/symptoms of pregnancy and labor and delivery. Those comments hurt me so deeply emotionally that I would start to feel physically sick. I would tell Shaun to "slap me (obviously not literally) if I ever get pregnant and if I ever complain." I honestly thought that these women were exaggerating their symptoms (I'm sure some do) and that they needed to learn how to deal with a little pain. I will admit now that I didn't realize just how difficult/hard pregnancy can be on your body. I have pretty severe back pain, and reflux is making every meal and for some time after the meal very uncomfortable. But I still say slap me if I complain! I need to be grateful for every moment, every ache and pain because I realize how incredibly blessed I am to be able to carry my son.
Last Saturday was also a huge milestone for us...we registered at Bab.ies.r.u.s!! This was such a highly anticipated day for me that I actually talked to Shaun about my expectations on our drive over to the store. He just laughed at me because he knew what I was really saying was..."we've waited a long time to do this and we are going to do it right...no complaints about being tired or taking too long making a decision." We went down each aisle and discussed what we needed and what would be best. Shaun was great, and I even started to become the impatient one when he was looking at our travel system and the mechanics of how it worked. I knew I wanted that travel system because I knew other moms that had it, but he wanted to see exactly how it worked and if it would be the best. I was surprised by my confidence in picking out baby products...I guess I paid attention at all of those showers! But I was still walking around like I was in a dream. I ran into a friend of mine from my support group, and I couldn't even talk right. She should be here registering...not me. Why me??!! I wanted to be sensitive and everything that came out of my mouth was total crap. I just wish I could re-do that entire conversation...I would have said something completely different. It is interesting to me that I have run into 3 of the girls in my support group at different times at B.r.us. This is pretty incredible because it is not like we live in a small town. I'm almost starting to believe there is some significance to this and that God is showing us that He is placing each other in our lives for a purpose.

I know I'm a dork, but I wanted to take a picture to remember registering. People were seriously laughing at us when we were taking this pic as you can imagine.

And here is the most recent bump photo: I'm even way bigger than this photo...we are really growing these days!

Also, calling all IVF experts...Go over and encourage my friend Bridget through her ivf cycle. It was less than a year ago that we were both talking about how we were "not" going to give ourselves shots...and look at us now. She is a precious friend who has walked a most difficult journey. She is my hero.

The Closet

2009-04-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I decided to tackle cleaning out our guest bedroom/future nursery closet. I really didn't anticipate how emotional it would be to start bringing everything out of that closet. The day that we found out that we lost Baby Faith, Shaun went around the house with a green Motherhood bag (yes I already bought some clothes) and collected every pregnancy related thing from around the house (ultrasound pics, clothes, prenatal vitamins, pamphlets from doctor office, estimated delivery cost statements, books). It was so sad to watch him go around the house collecting all of the items, and I really wasn't ready to put everything away, but I knew it was his way of protecting me. We also received many touching cards from family and friends that I knew I wanted to keep so I tucked them away in the closet. On a few occasions(probably in the middle of a two week wait), I would let myself buy a baby item with the logic that if it wasn't for me that I could give it to someone as part of a baby shower gift. My trips to the closet were always quick...place item and shut the doors. I was doing okay bringing everything out of the closet until I got to the cards. I started to read all of them and all of the emotional pain of that time came back to me. I couldn't stop my tears from flowing and honestly it felt good to grieve again. I think about Baby Faith often especially this time of year when I should be planning her one year old birthday party. I get asked frequently now if this is my first baby, and I feel a little lump in my throat and guilt every time I reply that he is. I don't know what else to say. Shaun saw me crying and took some time to look at her ultrasound picture. We talked about how strong her heartbeat sounded and what a gift that was to get to hear it.

Expecting a Miracle

2009-04-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

Recently I received the question below from Hollie of Welcome to the Land of IVF. Hollie found out about two weeks ago that she is pregnant after her third IVF attempt, and we have all been celebrating her great hcg numbers!! Typically when someone leaves me a question in the comments section I hop over to their blog to answer, but I have too much to say to get it all in a comment form!

Hi Courtney! I need your help- how did you do it- getting pg again after a m/c and being calm? I am having trouble being anxiety-free with this new pregnancy! I thank God every day that He allowed this blessing, but I can't help but worry too. I'm always such a worrier! Knowing that you have "been in my boat", do you have some advice?? When did/do you stop worrying?

Pregnancy after infertility or loss is incredibly difficult. In a time when you feel like you should be "over the moon" in emotions and excitement, you are instead filled with an incredible amount of fear. This can in turn make you feel guilty for not celebrating your miracle, but your fear is completely normal. Infertility and loss takes away the innocence of pregnancy. Shortly after my bfp, I wrote a post about this called the Loss of Innocence. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time.
At the time that I wrote this I thought that by the end of my first trimester, I would be able to relax. I will say that with each passing week and milestone I'm able to relax more, but the worrying is still there. So here are some thoughts and realizations that have helped me along the way.

Welcome to Motherhood!- My mom has helped me realize this (thanks Mom!). She still worries about all of us, and she is approaching forty years of Motherhood! I think that holding Henry in my arms will be a huge relief, but new worries will pop up..."is he eating enough?" "why is he crying? is he sick?" I already know that I need to be looking for a very accessible pediatrician. It has helped me to accept that worrying is going to be a part of my life and something that I will struggle with as a mom of a sweet miracle from God. With that said, God does call us to cast all of our worries and burdens on Him because we can trust Him to take care of us. Just as you prayed for God to give you this most wonderful miracle, trust Him with your worries.

Celebrate!- When I look back on my loss, the one thing that I'm so glad that I did and that I will never regret is celebrating. A miracle has taken place! God has created life within you. Celebrating is not being "too innocent" or "counting your chickens before they hatch." You and your husband have a baby now that will forever change you and that you will forever love no matter what happens. Shaun and I went out to dinner to celebrate our first beta confirming that we were pregnant. I told my close friends that have walked this journey with me. Shaun brought home a big box wrapped in baby wrapping paper with a "pregnancy couch rest" blanket and pillow (my favorite present that he has ever given me). With my loss, a friend of mine gave me a little yellow and green blanket when she found out I was pregnant. It was a comfort to me to have something physical that I could hold on to and cry. I can't wait to see Henry holding it close to him. Make sure to celebrate all of the milestones. Believe me...it will help you get through the first trimester: first beta, second beta, six week ultrasound, last RE appt, first OB appt...anything and everything you can find to celebrate.

Don't be surprised by shock- Most days I feel like I'm walking around in a dream. It is very hard for me to believe or let it sink in that I'm carrying a healthy beautiful baby boy and that I'm going to get to hold him in August. My good friend Bridget who has walked this journey with me pointed out the other night that she can tell it hasn't sunken in yet, and she doesn't think I will really get it until I'm holding Henry in my arms. She couldn't be more right. My mind can't even comprehend the miracle that has taken place. I thought a few weeks ago "well maybe when I can feel him more" or "maybe after we have the big ultrasound and I know boy or girl"...these milestones just bring about more feelings of shock and an overwhelming awe that this is actually happening.

“Plenty of Time”

2009-03-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

As promised… this is the first in a series of posts about infertility.

One of the most common misconceptions of infertility right along with “just relax and you will get pregnant” is my personal favorite “but you are too young to be infertile.” If I had a dollar for every time someone told me “but you are so young” during this journey including doctors and nurses, I probably could have paid for my infertility treatments with the money. Believe me….I understand where this misconception comes from…I’m surrounded by women in their 20s getting pregnant on their very first cycle trying, when they were being “very careful” to not get pregnant or my favorite… their husband just looked at them (still trying to figure out how that happens). I previously thought that these women were the exception to the rule (you know the “fertile myrtles”) but now I understand that they are just plain normal…they are the 9 out of 10 couples in their 20s without infertility. But what about us? What about the 1 out of 10 couples in their 20s with infertility? 1 out of 10 is significant.

Shaun and I started dating when we were 15, married at 21, and stopped using birth control right around my 22nd birthday. Not the typical timetable for most couples! When we stopped using birth control, I just knew we were going to get pregnant within a few months. It took something like 60 days for me to get my first period after birth control (of course I just “knew” I was pregnant) and my cycles after that were forever long. I had irregular cycles in college, but we weren’t having sex so I wasn’t keeping up with the amount of days between cycles. Probably about six months into having sex without birth control and my crazy cycles, I started to realize that there was a problem and that it was most definitely with me. I felt so ridiculous to care so much about having a baby when it wasn’t even the right “time” for us. Looking back I now understand why I cried so hard at the negative pregnancy tests…I was slowly realizing that something wasn’t right, and it scared the crap out of me. Even though we were young and Shaun wasn’t ready to try for a baby (which in our world meant starting clomid) mainly for money reasons, I mentioned to my gyn about my concerns. Couple tests later including a semen analysis on Shaun and our suspicions were confirmed, I didn’t ovulate and Shaun was as fertile as a bull. 23 and infertile was a tough pill to swallow. Of course I didn’t realize the extent of our infertility until much later.

Around the time of our diagnosis is when the questions started, “oh when are y’all going to have a baby?” I can remember thinking that I wish I knew the answer to that and being a little disgusted at Shaun’s “when we get our finances in order” answer. Of course what was the poor guy going to say? “Well she doesn’t ovulate so we will just have to see.” No one would have ever guessed that we would have trouble and honestly I don’t blame them for it. This is when I started to feel really alone. I struggled daily with how often my thoughts would turn to thinking about having a baby or trying to conceive. This continued to get worse over the years. What is wrong with me?? I’m in my early 20s!! Why do I care right now? I really beat myself up over this as you can see from this post. Joining the infertility blogging community was seriously one of the most wonderful blessings to me in this journey because I started to see that I wasn’t crazy…there were other girls out there just like me! Around the same time I started this blog, I also was blessed to join a support group in town. I was terrified to go to the first meeting. I knew I needed support, but I was so scared that they were going to think I was crazy for calling myself infertile at my age. I probably said, “I know I’m young” like ten times during my first meeting. They were incredibly sweet to me, and I felt an instant bond with the women in the group. I started to realize that it wasn’t about my age. I was infertile…I knew about it…I desired a child…and I needed to be there. Several meetings later a young woman with severe endometriosis came to the group for the first time that was my same age. I watched her raw emotions after a failed IVF cycle, and all of a sudden my emotions felt validated. I held her hand so tight as we prayed for God to create life in us with tears running down our faces. It was real…real pain, deep desires…nothing young or innocent about it. Through these experiences, I slowly started to accept where I was in my life. This led to more openness with our church, work, family, friends and even some acquaintances and gave us the strength to make difficult decisions about treatments.

There is nothing easy about infertility at any age…nothing comforting about having “plenty of time” when all you want is to hold your baby now. Yes statistics show a more successful response to treatment with a younger age on average, but every couple’s situation is different. My FSH number was higher than a woman in her mid 30s and a woman reaching 40 in my support group. This is a pretty good indication that my clock is tick-tocking at a much faster rate than most women my age. The friend that I mentioned above has such severe endometriosis and pain associated with that disease that she is now considering a hysterectomy after two failed IVF attempts. We aren’t guaranteed “plenty of time,” and there isn’t a perfect age to start seeking treatment or for becoming more aggressive.

It's A....

2009-03-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

We are so blessed! Baby is healthy and happy! Yesterday was one of the best days of our lives. It was amazing.

Tomorrow is a Big Day!

2009-03-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning is our big ultrasound, and Shaun and I just can't wait to find out if our sweet baby is a boy or a girl! Pretty much everyone including me, strangers, coworkers, friends, and some family (my entire family thinks girl-but that is just because I'm the only girl in my fam with 3 older brothers) feels strongly that our baby is a boy! I have felt for sure since pretty much the beginning of this pregnancy that our baby is a boy so I'm going to be very shocked if it is a girl. Shaun has gone back and forth, but right now he is placing his guess that our baby is a boy since everyone keeps telling him that is what we are having based on my symptoms! And since he is an engineer, he is using his logic to make a guess since "statistically we have a higher chance of conceiving a boy with an IUI timed right at ovulation." I think this goes without saying if you are a reader of my blog, but I do want to emphasize in all of this guessing fun that we just want a healthy baby. We realize how blessed we are to have our sweet little one! I did put up a poll at the top of the blog so you have 24 hours to enter your guess!! Leave me a comment and let me know what you guessed! Below is the most recent belly shot at 17 weeks (I'm 18 now).

Good News for our Georgia Peaches

2009-03-06T04:53:00.000-08:00

According to the AP and several other sources, the Georgia bill that would severely limit IVF in Georgia is most likely dead as it was sent to a Senate sub-committee yesterday for further research. I hope that we have all learned from this the importance of staying together as a community to fight for each other.

Wow! Everyone seemed to have a good time debating in my comments section yesterday. There were some very hurtful and honestly ridiculous comments left, but I have decided to leave them so that it is clear who is truly behind this bill. I will admit that they did get to me yesterday, but I'm over it this morning. God was with us every step of our infertility. He led us to the right doctor. He gave us peace about the right treatment option for us. He brought me to other Christian women going through the same journey who held my hand and prayed me through. He was there the days of our IUIs in our dr.'s office when we were left alone for ten minutes, and Shaun held my hand and prayed for a miracle. He provided comfort and hope when all we saw were negative tests. And He was there the day that we saw our miracle from Him with the most beautiful heartbeat. God creates life. God sustains life. But God works through medicine and doctors and procedures everyday in all areas of medicine.

I also had a lengthy email conversation with the Legislative Director of the organization that was behind this bill. He claims that all IVF language was removed from the bill. This must be a recent development because I read the bill in full on the Georgia's State Legislature website Wednesday afternoon, and it was all still there. Of course, this would be a major step in the right direction, but I will reserve my judgement of the bill until I read the actual new or revised bill in full.

Yesterday's debate was informative, but any hurtful comments left today will be removed. This is a place where women and men who are suffering through infertility can encourage and uplift eachother so unless you find that your comment fits into that category...I suggest you find another venue to express your extreme views. I also encourage commenters to leave positive comments on how you have seen God work through your infertility treatments.

Georgia Bill Seeks to End IVF

2009-03-05T05:55:00.000-08:00

It came to my attention yesterday (thanks to LFCA) that Georgia has proposed legislation (SB 169) that would virtually shut down IVF in Georgia. The bill calls for many regulations, but the following I find most troubling.
-Couples under 40 could only attempt to fertilize 2 eggs through in-vitro, a max of two embryos would be potentially fertilized and transferred. No freezing allowed.
-Couples over 40 could attempt to fertilize and transfer up to 3 embryos with again no freezing allowed.
The authors of this bill obviously timed out the proposal of this bill correctly with the Octo-Mom controversy. They are trying to say that this bill would protect women and children from multiple births. But let's talk about what will actually happen if this bill is passed:
-No more in-vitro in Georgia. I would have a hard time believing that any patient, let alone any RE would use IVF as treatment under these conditions.
-Freezing would not be an option- Sometimes a patient hyperstimulates from the drugs, and it is not safe to complete the transfer. In this scenario, the doctor and patient would have no other choice (since freezing isn't an option) to risk the patient's health by continuing with the transfer.
-Patients that have little time left and/or egg supply would not be able to have embryos for future use.
-More high order multiple births in Georgia. One of the purposes of IVF is to try to prevent high order multiples. If this bill was passed, couples in Georgia would have no other option but to opt for using injectable cycles to try to conceive. Everyone agrees that this treatment option has a much higher rate of high order multiples.

As the infertility community, we have to speak up on this issue. There are already headlines out there that read, "Bill would prohibit octuplet mother scenario in Georgia." This is not accurate. The headlines should read "Bill would end IVF in Georgia." Speak out through a link provided on the RESOLVE website or comment on these articles with the right information. A simple search of "Georgia bill" in Google News will make your stomach turn. There is so much misinformation out there about this bill. Don't let them fool you and your neighbors, this bill was created as an attempt to use the Octo-Mom controversy to end infertility treatments in Georgia.

The Best Compliment

2009-02-26T18:29:00.000-08:00

Today was a very special milestone for me. My first stranger noticed my belly and felt confident enough to say something to me! I told Shaun on our way into the restaurant for lunch that I really shouldn't have left my jacket in the car because I didn't look prego...and my belly just looked "weird." We were in line for probably not even a minute when I heard....
Old Man with his cute wife: Ma'am! Ma'am!!(Don't forget that I live in Mississippi)
Court: (turned around to talk to him)
Old Man: You are a beautiful mother..and you sir (pointing to Shaun)are a lucky man!
Court: Oh thank you! thank you!!
Shaun: I'm very lucky...you are right.
Well I don't think the smile left my face for the rest of the lunch. Shaun was cracking up because he knew I was so, so happy. It was seriously such a sweet thing for him to say, and it was so cute how hard he worked to make sure he got my attention. He also called me a mother, which was just music to my ears.

On a side note...I'm happy to report that I don't think my RE is going to forget me anytime soon (not that I really thought for a second that he would forget my craziness/medical-wanna-be questions--my support group does not just call me Dr. Courtney for fun!). I know seven of his current patients...two of which are my really good friends. Well apparently my one good friend went to an appt and kept saying...."yeah Courtney told me that." The next morning, my other good friend must have also mentioned my name because she texted me "Dr. H says that you know everyone." I really don't know that many people here since I just moved here twoish years ago, but I do know a lot of his patients, and I'm so grateful to God that He has placed these women in my life. I can't put into words what a blessing they are to me.

Lately I have been especially blessed by some very special comments left by women who have stumbled to my blog through google. A big shout out to Sue in Canada. Your comment really touched me, and I hope with you that this is your cycle. As much as I want to keep everyone updated about my pregnancy, I still feel called to talk frequently about infertility and to provide encouragement to those of you still waiting. I'm not going to promise, but my goal is to post an infertility related post once a week. I think my first topic is going to be the most common misconception about infertility (and there are many!!), but I believe this is the most common. Another item that has really been on my heart lately is praying for my little one. I pray often for the safety and health of my baby, but I want to start praying more specifically. I plan on including these prayers at the end of any pregnancy related post, and I hope that many of you will join with me in prayer for the baby that we trust that God has for you.

Prayer for My Little One: Lord I pray that my little one will come to know you at a very young age and that his/her faith in You will continue to grow deeper as he/she grows.

2nd Trimester Bliss

2009-02-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

Hey Girls!! I'm back! I finally have a new healthy (lol) home computer so expect much more blogging from me in the near future. I feel like I need to be honest that it is difficult for me to blog about pregnancy when I know so many of you are still going through extremely hard times. My hope is that with sharing my entire journey with you the ugly, the bad, and now the good that reading this blog will leave you with hope. I can honestly say now that every single moment of heartache was worth it. I'm actually grateful for going through infertility. I'm not the same person that I was before this journey...my marriage isn't the same...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

This past Saturday was our first big shopping day for nursery furniture. We started looking a little last weekend, but we decided to actually go to every baby store in our entire area in one day. I loved every second of it. My favorite moment of the day was when Shaun and I decided to take a moment to talk things over while we sat on the gliders in B R US. It is going to be hard to really explain this moment, but I think it finally set in with both of us that we were preparing to bring a baby home. On our final stop of our baby store tour, we found the perfect crib and dresser/changing table. Shaun and I have very similar taste especially in furniture so we usually know right away once we see it...and it was definitely the style/price/size that we were looking for in our nursery furniture. I will post pics soon from the catalog (it takes 10 weeks for the furniture to come in).

Update on symptoms: I feel great!! My energy is back, and I'm starting to show a little more. My bbs have definitely grown...actually so fast that I now have my first pregnancy related stretch mark. Shaun thinks that all stretch marks can be prevented with the pregnancy stretch mark cream that I purchased recently lol. I'm now trying to apply the lotion in front of him everyday to prove that these stretch marks are just going to happen...lotion or not. Next dr appt is tomorrow morning so I will try to post an update and some pics tomorrow!

Five Cute Little Fingers

2009-02-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

I have missed blogging...I'm having major withdrawals. I need a computer!! My work computer won't let me post! I can post from my Blackberry, but we all know it isn't that easy to blog a long entry from a cell phone. So here's the long story of what happened last week. Last Saturday, I started having these sharp shooting pains that would not go away. It almost felt like my cervix so I started to get really worried, but then they went away so I relaxed a little and went to church the next day. At the end of the church service, I stood up to sing, and there they were again. I of course put myself on bedrest for the rest of the afternoon and night and called the on-call nurse who told me that it sounded like a UTI because I also had to pee frequently. The next morning, I called my sweet nurse, and she felt that we should come get an ultrasound and to get checked out. I really started to worry at this point as you can see in my post below. I called Shaun, and he immediately dropped what he was doing and picked me up at work. He knew better than to let me drive to the doctor's office by myself again (I found out about the loss of our first baby by myself at the doctor's office and somehow made it home). We were immediately called back for an ultrasound, and the tech could tell we were very scared. She did a transvaginal ultrasound first with the screen turned to her to "check the cervix length" while I knew she was checking the cervix...I also knew she would be looking to see if our baby still had a heartbeat. I kept looking desperately at her face for a reaction to know that everything was okay. Shaun was holding my hand so tight. And then she turned on the heartbeat...I think we all just took a nice big sigh. She then switched to the abdominal scan so that we could see the baby. And I know I'm partial, but oh my goodness...what a cutie. Both hands were by our baby's face, and we could see all five fingers on one hand. She even showed us baby's little feet, and they were crossed at the ankles. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world to see our baby so comfy in there...already displaying such a sweet personality. Shaun said in front of the ultrasound tech..."It's a girl, Courtney." I'm still thinking boy so it will be fun to find out soon who is right. I have the u/s pic right next to my desk, and I look at it all of the time. I love to count my baby's fingers. 1,2,3,4,5. I'm so amazed...what a miracle. Five perfect precious little fingers. I long for the day to feel those fingers tightly wrapped around mine. Most u/s pics are profile shots, but baby was looking right at us during the ultrasound. I hope all of you can tell what is going on in the pic. It is so much easier to see clearly as video, but we didn't have our dvd since it was an emergency. I ended up having to get a catheter to see how much urine was left in my bladder after I peed…ouch! Apparently my bladder was completely full during the ultrasound even though I just emptied it. My dr thinks that this could be contributing to my pain but he thinks that I could also be starting to get round ligament pain. I honestly think that was probably the pains now that I've read more about round ligament pain and have experienced a couple more episodes. As far as the bladder goes, I need to go to the bathroom every 2 hours, and they will keep a close eye on me for UTIs (urine looked great last time so hopefully it will stay that way). But I have to agree with my friend who replied to my everything is okay text..."woohoo...bring on the bladder issues...we want a baby...whew..thank the Lord."

Everything is Okay

2009-01-26T09:28:00.000-08:00

I'm still at the dr's office, but we just had our ultrasound. Baby is kicked back...healthy and happy. Looks like it is a bladder issue because I just emptied my bladder before the ultrasound, and it was completely full during the exam. More details and pics to come later today.

Going to Dr...worried

2009-01-26T07:57:00.000-08:00

Please pray for us. I had some sharp pains over the weekend in my cervix, and my nurse doesn't like the sound of the pain. We are going in at 10:30 central for an ultrasound. Please pray!

2nd OB Appt

2009-01-22T19:21:00.000-08:00

It was such a wonderful feeling to get in the car on our way to our 2nd OB appointment. We didn't get to make it to the second appointment with Baby Faith so I was so excited to reach this milestone. There wasn't nearly as much anxiety with this appointment since we were blessed to hear baby's heartbeat on the doppler a couple days before our appointment. I did the normal check-in stuff and then headed over to look for a magazine to read while we waited. I didn't pick up Fit Pregnancy or Parents Magazine, I picked up...Conceive Magazine. I didn't want to read anything that could contain women complaining about pregnancy. I don't think I could stomach it. I don't feel comfortable in the mainstream view of pregnancy. For some reason, pregnancy is now celebrated as the time in your life where you can complain all of the time...and "it's all about you." Next to "What to Expect When Your Expecting" on the bookstore shelf is a book called "Pregnancy Sucks: What to Do When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable." Everyone is constantly asking me how I'm feeling. I don't know what to say to them. Yes I'm tired, but I don't want to complain. I probably feel better than I have felt in at least a year. I don't have hot flashes, hormonal headaches, heartache, and constant worrying about follicles, timing, and what's next. I'm blessed. I love pregnancy. I love every second of carrying the miracle that God has given us, and it's not "all about me."
Okay done venting now...

After pointing out to Shaun how convenient the Gonal-F pen is compared to mixing all of those drugs (he was very impressed with the pen), we were called back. The nurse weighed me, asked me how I was feeling. and told us that "we are just going to listen to your belly today." She is so pleasant. I really appreciate nice nurses after my former not-so-nice OB nurse.

Courtney- "So how many pounds did I gain---2? 3??"
Nurse- "Ummm actually...looks like 6 pounds."
Courtney- "Oh wow okay."
Shaun- (huge smile on his face)
Apparently my sweet Shaun was proud of the weight gain.
Dr comes in....
Doctor-- "How are y'all doing??"
Shaun (immediately perks up)- "We are doing great!! She gained six pounds!!"
Doctor--(trying not to laugh) Well that's good!
Courtney- (laughed at my cute husband)

After just a minute or so of searching (Doctor: "Come on Peanut")...we heard our baby's heartbeat just beating away. Dr. said it was in the 160s, which according to him is just right. He told me that I could stop the progesterone whenever I wanted to, but I decided to decrease my dosage to once daily until next week (12 weeks).

Special Birthday Present

2009-01-17T13:03:00.000-08:00

My 25th birthday was yesterday, and I got the most wonderful present...we heard sweet pea's heartbeat!! I decided to get the Doppler out again last night when I got home from work because I had a very full bladder. I searched and searched really low, and I was about to give up on finding it, but I decided to try several inches below my belly button in the center (a little higher), and there it was...the most wonderful sound!! I pressed the record button as soon as I heard it. Shaun was still at work so I called him and told him I had something to play for him. I could tell he was extremely excited and relieved to hear our baby's heartbeat. We have our second ob appt on Tuesday morning, but at least there won't be as much anxiety since we heard the heartbeat. I will admit now that not finding the heartbeat last week really got us both scared. Click below to hear sweet pea's heartbeat at 10w3d..172bpm.

Finally!

2009-01-13T20:04:00.000-08:00

Hey Girls! I'm so happy to finally be able to post a few updates on what has been going on with us the past two weeks. My work computer won't let me post, and my home computer is currently broken so I'm very, very excited to get to blog. I'm 10 weeks now!! Can you believe it??!! I can't! Well I hope you enjoy the updates and belly shots below, and I will try to blog again really soon :).

9 Weeks

2009-01-13T19:57:00.000-08:00

Not the best photo of me, but you can definitely see the bump in this picture. Wow!! 9 weeks :). Look how cute our baby looks now on the sidebar in the 3d thingy (awwwwwh!!). I'm still not comfortable with being a normal patient. I'm doing all that I can to just relax and enjoy every minute, but I think I would do a lot better with this if I didn't have to wait an ENTIRE month to see my doctor. At least we only have one week left until my appointment, I think I can make it. I also made a huge mistake last week which did not ease my fears in the slightest. I decided to rent a doppler. For those of you outside the IF community, you probably have never heard of this, and you think I'm crazy, but renting a doppler is a very common practice with women who are pregnant after infertility or loss. I unfortunately decided to order mine early...(are you surprised...remember me testing at 9 dpIUI??), and we couldn't find the heartbeat. We did think that we heard the sounds of the placenta, which sounds like wind whooshing through the trees, and maybe a couple fetal movements (maybe??) which was probably gas. Everyone on the WebMd boards assures me that it was way too early for my weak doppler and to try in a couple more weeks so I will at least wait until the day before my appt before I try again. I woke up at 3 AM that morning in a major panic, but I feel back asleep to a wonderful dream. We delivered a baby girl in the mall (strange I know), and I can't even begin to describe to you the feelings I had when I held her in my arms, and she opened her eyes for the first time. Then I gave her to Shaun, and she smiled so big when she heard his voice. I had this overwhelming feeling of protection for my daughter, and I remember not wanting very many people to hold her. I woke up feeling a little better, and I told Shaun that we needed to remember that there is a 95% chance (according to our dr) that we have a safe and healthy baby.

Update on symptoms: Finally starting to feel a little nauseous in the evenings...it is a very welcomed feeling. I also have what I like to call "pregnancy gag attacks." I think these started around 8 weeks. I will just be in the middle of a conversation feeling fine, and all of a sudden something will come over me, and I just gag...and it is the funniest sound. This also happens almost every time I brush my teeth now too. Shaun laughs every time I gag. I know that sounds really mean, but I have to laugh too because it sounds so funny. We both just love it when I have pregnancy symptoms. We are really having a lot of fun together lately. There is a lot of laughter in our home. I realized this weekend in the middle of block.buster while we were both acting silly just how much infertility was draining us. It feels really great to be myself again.

First Bump Photo: 8 weeks

2009-01-13T19:55:00.000-08:00

This was New Year's Eve...If you look closely, you can see a little bump. I think the progesterone supps are making me show earlier, but I did show early with my first pregnancy, and I wasn't on progesterone with that pregnancy.

We had a great time at the New Year's party! I drank lots of sparkling white grape juice (I love that stuff) and cuddled up next to Shaun as much as possible (I've been a little clingy lately). I wanted to cry uncontrollably when we counted down to 2009, and we all toasted in the new year. 2008 was a very tough year, and it felt really good to say goodbye to 2008 with so many wonderful expectations for 09. The next day...we headed to Birmingham, AL to meet our newest little nephew, Noah and to give lots of attention to Noah's big brother James (15 months) to help with the transition. I know I'm very partial as an Aunt but let me just say that they are both absolutely adorable! It was a really great experience for us especially for Shaun to get to see the first couple days home from the hospital. I told my sister-in-law that it was like that TLC show Bringing Home Baby except that this was the LIVE Edition. It really made Shaun and I realize just how much we have left to learn! Shaun really paid close attention to everything and asked lots of questions (too cute). I also got to go to Motherhood with my Mom. It was a very special afternoon because we have both been looking forward to that day for a long time. We spent hours in that store, and we found a lot of cute clothes ;). Our favorite purchase was a black and white polka dot dress...I know it doesn't sound that cute but I have to admit that I love it, and I can't wait to wear it.

2008...Oh What a Year!

2008-12-31T09:34:00.000-08:00

December 31, 2007- December was our first month trying again after our loss. Right around Christmas, I found out that my good friend on her first month trying was pregnant and at the same time I found out that I was not pregnant. I was incredibly happy for her, but my heart hurt for the baby that I lost. I was focusing so hard on getting pregnant again, but my true hurt was ringing in the new year without Baby Faith. She drank sparkling white grape juice...I drank several glasses of champagne. As we celebrated the New Year...I still felt hopeful on the surface that we would get pregnant easily, but deep down, I knew it wasn't going to be an easy 2008.

January 2008- Both of our birthdays our in January so we celebrated and hoped for the best...bfn.

February- My period came in the middle of the night, and I didn't have any naproxen (aleve) for the pain. I took some extra strength Tylenol and suffered through extreme pain throughout the night. I honestly believe that my pain was at the same or similar level of childbirth...yeah go ahead and laugh, but I know it had to be close. I called my gyn in the morning, and we went in to get an ultrasound to look for problems. U/S was clear, and my dr took a look at my temp charts (still long cycles with a short lp) and decided to prescribe me Clomid. I can't tell you how happy I was to get that Clomid prescription. I was so naive in thinking that a little clomid would fix all of our problems.
February also was my first meeting with a support group here in town. This was such an answer to prayer. I decided to ask for prayer about my loss and trying to get pregnant again during a bible study with my church girls and one of them worked with a girl who helped lead a bible study/support group for women with infertility or loss. She gave me her email and a couple days later, I was sitting in a room with a group of girls that knew all too well how I was feeling...there was an instant bond.

March- Our "miracle" drug didn't work. In fact, I didn't even ovulate at a normal time. Uh-Oh! After researching, I realized I wasn't being closely followed enough and decided to make an appointment with a RE in town. We both really felt like God was leading us to Dr. H. and He definitely was...

April- The famous False Positive month. This month was one of the worst. You can click on the link for the full story. I took the test on a Sunday morning, and we were beyond thrilled. I pulled my good friend in the stairwell at church to tell her the news. She was pregnant at the time after a much harder journey, and we were so excited that God answered both of our prayers. The next day, I called her in tears to tell her that the bloodwork came back negative.

May- First appt with my RE. He wasn't the best at giving a lot of hope, but we did leave with a lot of info. He also found by looking at my temp charts that I was going to need progesterone supps at the end of each cycle. Next appointment revealed that my follicles didn't even grow...u/s two days later confirmed. Even the RE was confused with my young body having this response to meds. May 13th was our due date for Baby Faith, which made the month even harder.

Then I received an email for my good friend who I mentioned above, a follow-up ultrasound revealed that she had an ectopic pregnancy that was not caught on previous scans...she was headed in for an emergency surgery. My heart broke for her, and I was so angry with God. Test confirmed later that she did have heteroectopic twins...one implanted in her uterus, the other in her tube. I went to go see after surgery, and I was just sick to my stomach that she would have to go through more pain. My anger at God grew stronger the more I let myself think about it on the way home. When we got home, I took a moment to breathe outside, and I couldn't believe what I saw when I looked up in the night sky. Written in cursive letters in the clouds were the letters "T-R-U-S-T." I yelled at Shaun to hurry outside. He also saw it and then the cloud immediately started to fade away. I look back on that night, and it is still so hard for me to believe that it actually happened. God was telling me to trust Him even in these incredibly hard circumstances that we will never understand...He has a plan.

June- One follicle actually decided to grow this cycle, and we had our first IUI on a very special Sunday morning, Father's Day. How is that for dramatic? I just knew it had to be the cycle. bfn.

July- Follicles didn't grow...lining was too thin to even think about trying. I decided to talk to Dr. H about the pain I was having with my periods. The first doctor who actually believed me and took my pain seriously!! We scheduled surgery for August. July was also my first time at baby therapy. I loved holding those babies in the newborn nursery. It calmed my heart to have such a beautiful reminder in my arms of why we were going through all of this.

August 11, 2008- Surgery day. Found Stage IIish Endometriois. I woke up so fast in recovery when I heard the resident say to the nurse "endometriosis." Dr. H came and talked with me and told me that I probably wouldn't remember our conversation...yeah right!! I was asking what stage and everything. Although, I did think that he told me I was an angel that might have still been the drugs lol.

September 25, 2008--the one year anniversary of our d&c. The anesthesiologist at the D&C told me not to worry that I would be back at the hospital around this time, and he would be giving me my epidural. Instead, I was not pregnant as not pregnant gets. IUI #2 failed.

October- IUI #3 failed. I thought the third time was supposed to be the charm.

November- Let's get aggressive! After talking and praying with our pastor and an elder, Shaun and I felt comfortable moving on to injections. We were blown away that our insurance company agreed to pay for the meds...such a blessing from God. Do you know how many insurance companies cover anything involving infertility in Mississippi? Um yeah hardly any of them. Our RE was less than excited about starting an inj cycle because he was scared of multiples (he usually likes to move on straight to IVF), but he was willing to let us try a couple cycles.
Thanksgiving Day- We found out that God answered our prayers. I still can't get over that we found out on Thanksgiving day. I just felt like that was a special little sign that God was showing us how His plans our perfect.

So I raise my sparkling white grape juice glass to 2008...A year that showed me that God is in control even in the most difficult circumstances. May we all be able to trust Him more in 2009.

Ultrasound Video

2008-12-22T18:09:00.000-08:00

We had our first regular ob appt today. It was so wonderful to feel like a normal pregnant patient. I was of course still nervous at this appointment but definitely not as much as our first ultrasound. The baby's heartbeat was a lot stronger today at 140 during the first ultrasound of the appointment and in the 130s during the second ultrasound of the appointment. Yes you read correctly...we got two ultrasounds today. The ultrasound tech forgot to put a dvd in to record the ultrasound so my sweet ob asked her to please give us another u/s at the end of our appointment. I'm so glad he asked us if we got a dvd because I felt too bad to bring it up to the tech when I realized that she forgot. I don't have another appointment until four weeks from now!! Do you know how long it has been since I've gone a month without seeing a doc? I'm a normal patient again...yay!! I hope I get to stay that way.

Our First Ultrasound

2008-12-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of the best days of our lives.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 3:30-4 AM, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I was a disaster. All of my fears and doubts got the best of me and all I could think about was what I was going to do if we got bad news. I prayed for God to take care of our baby and to give me peace, but then I would immediately go back to thinking the worst. Finally, I decided to make myself picture Shaun and I going to the hospital to deliver our baby in August. I was finally able to get a few more winks until Shaun woke me up around 6AM, and I practically jumped out of bed. This was pretty funny because I typically have to get dragged out of bed. I'm not a morning person. Shaun was so happy that he didn't have to tiptoe in the dark to get ready to run. I know a lot of people were praying for us because I felt at peace as I was getting ready to leave. On the ride to the hospital, we both stayed pretty quiet because there were really no words to say. I was doing okay until we pulled off our exit. I looked at Shaun and said, "Okay now I'm getting nervous." He admitted that he was also feeling a little nervous, but of course not as much as me. It was such a weird feeling walking through those double doors with my hand tucked around his arm…. Is this the last time we will ever walk through these doors together or is this only the beginning of more of the same? They immediately got us into an ultrasound room. Shaun and I found the perfect position where he could stand andhold my hand, and we could both see the flat panel monitor on the wall. Then it seemed like we had to wait for forever. Finally my sweet ultrasound tech came rushing through the door and said, "I'm sure you are ready for me to get in here." Then she asked us "Now are we sure we are going to be okay if we see more than one or more than two?" Shaun and I both emphatically replied "yes!" Then the moment came when she finally started the ultrasound. I could immediately see the sac, but I couldn't see a baby. It was a scary few moments. She kept looking around because I think she was expecting to see more than one. After realizing that there was only one baby, she zoomed in on the sac and that is when we both saw the baby. In that moment, an enormous amount of peace, relief, and joy came over me. Shaun and I were squeezing each other's hands so tight. There was our baby with a flickering heartbeat…it was twinkling away, and it was the most beautiful sight. And then she turned the Doppler on, and we heard our baby's heartbeat pounding so hard. It was the sweetest, most wonderful sound. I could listen to that sound all day long. When we left our clinic, we said our goodbyes and thanked all of the nurses and my doctor for being such sensitive caregivers. I hugged my good friend at the front desk who always had a smile for me. And then Shaun and I held each other close again as we walked through those same double doors. We will never forget the heartache and pain that we experienced in our journey to parenthood…it will forever change who we are…but as we left through those doors, we both realized that God has given us an incredible gift. Not only the gift of this baby He has created for us, but the gift of an overwhelming appreciation for the miracle of life and especially the miracle of our little one's life. I pray that was the last time we ever have to exit through those doors.

One more day...

2008-12-15T19:11:00.000-08:00

Our first ultrasound is Wednesday morning! My emotions right now range from extremely excited to pretty much terrified. Wednesday is either going to be one of the best days of our lives or one of the worst. I can't imagine how fast my heart is going to beat waiting for that first reaction from the ultrasound tech. I still have my sore bbs and tired symptoms, but I still don't have any nausea :(. I was really hoping I would be hugging a toilet by now. I'm having a hard time blogging because it is impossible for me to even put into words how I'm feeling right now. Hopefully, I will have a beautiful video of our miracle baby to show all of you on Wednesday! Please pray for us.

Yawn.

2008-12-09T19:14:00.000-08:00

The early pregnancy exhaustion definitely kicked in today. I've been tired for days, but this was the first day that I was struggling to make it through work. I heart feeling symptoms. I still press on my bbs all day long (when no one is looking of course) to make sure they are still hurting. I really hope that morning sickness starts to happen soon because that will make me feel so much better. My nurse did call me with my 3rd hcg draw yesterday, and it was 1,111! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday morning so just one more week until we get to see our baby! I'm still in absolute shock and amazement at what God has done for us.

Everything is Okay!

2008-12-06T20:35:00.000-08:00

Oh no! I scared my blogger buddies with the title of my previous post! Please forgive me girls for making you worry for nothing.

Loss of Innocence

2008-12-06T09:19:00.000-08:00

When we lost our dear sweet Baby Faith, we lost more than her precious life. We lost the innocence of pregnancy. Pregnancy announcements have changed from "We're going to have a baby!!!" to "We're Pregnant!!!!!!!....today." The response of potential grandparents is no longer "oh that is so wonderful" but "we are cautiously optimistic." The countdown to the ultrasound and hearing that beautiful heartbeat no longer tells us that "everything will be okay" because it wasn't last time. I have to be honest that as happy as I am right now....I'm equally scared. When I called for my second hcg results, my heart was beating so fast. The new nurse answered so sweet and bubbly and put me on hold to go get my results. When she came back to the phone, my heart probably stopped beating for a second until she told me that the number was 319 (doubling from the first hcg of 122). I let out the biggest "whew!" she's probably ever heard from a patient. "Were you nervous?" she asked obviously amused. I responded quickly with a big..."YES!!," which I thought would end her questioning. But then she actually asked me, "Did you have a reason
to be nervous?" I could have kept her on the phone for another hour explaining my reason(s) for being nervous, but instead...I laughed to myself at her innocence and my lack of it.
On a side note...thank you so much for all of the sweet and encouraging congrats! I can't put into words how much all of your comments have meant to me. Below is my hcg chart...I will have one more beta on Monday and then an ultrasound the following week!

A Thanksgiving Surprise!!!!!

2008-12-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

God has answered our prayers and has blessed us with a miracle...we are pregnant!!! Thanksgiving morning, I took a digital test, and I really thought it was going to say "not pregnant." I placed the test on the nightstand, and my heart was beating so fast as I watched the hour glass flash on the test. All of a sudden, it was there...it said "Pregnant." My heart started to race even more as I turned over to look at Shaun next to me in bed. I don't think I could get a word out, and I was shaking like crazy. We could not believe our eyes. We couldn't even cry any tears because we were both so shocked. We prayed together and thanked God over and over for blessing us. I've taken like eight tests this weekend, and it is still hard to believe that I'm pregnant. My nurse called me with my first beta draw at lunch, and it was 122 (today is 14 DPIUI). Tonight was the first time I've cried...it was a mixture between laughing and sobbing at the same time because it is just starting to feel real. When I came home tonight, there was a big box wrapped in baby paper on the coffee table. In the box was the sweetest present I have ever gotten from my hubby...an incredibly soft pink plush blanket and pillow. Shaun said that he got it for me for my pregnancy couch rest...too cute. I'm walking around like I'm in a dream similar to how I felt on my wedding day. We know that we still have a long way to go especially with our history, but we have decided to celebrate each day that God has given us with our baby.

One week left

2008-11-23T13:22:00.000-08:00

I think I need to re-read my post from yesterday. I'm usually fine the first week of the two week wait, but once the second week starts...I'm a disaster. Of course, I get to blame part of this on progesterone. It is so hard to wait. I can't really even put into words how much I hope this is it for us. Church was hard this morning. There were two babies born around the same time our baby should have been born, and I can't help but see them and think about how that should be us. There is another girl who is pregnant for the second time, and I remember being sad when she announced her first pregnancy(happy for her just sad for me). All of the couples from our sunday school class gather around the nursery doors to visit after they pick up their babies, and I can't help but feel so alone. Okay enough feeling sorry for myself! I'm so glad this week is Thanksgiving. Hopefully it will make the week go by faster.

Happily Ever After

2008-11-22T14:10:00.000-08:00

I think one of the hardest parts of this journey through infertility is the unknown. Will my body respond to the medicine? Is this cycle “the one?” How many more months and just how much more heartache are we going to have to endure? Growing up, I loved fairy tales especially Cinderella. Poor Cinderella was in a very bad place in her life. Many tears were shed as she struggled through her circumstances. As a little reader, I was always sad for sweet Cinderella, but I was comforted knowing that there would be a happy ending for her. I knew she would live happily ever after. Cinderella dreamed of a better life, but I’m willing to bet that her happy ending was way better than she ever dreamed. Recently, I’ve been thinking about our happy ending. I know we are going to be parents. God has an amazing plan for our lives, and I have faith that He will give us children. And when that day comes, when we finally hold our baby in our arms, I know we will look back in amazement at how He has provided. If I tried to write my fairy tale story now, it would not even begin to compare to the story my Heavenly Father has written for me.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

4th IUI pic now posted below...

IUI #4

2008-11-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

Shaun was so cute last night. He told me that he was really "looking forward to tomorrow." It just made me so happy to hear that because I really love our IUI mornings too. This morning started off a little late because I kept hitting the snooze. It is already a big enough challenge for us to get ready, get the sample, and beat the morning traffic to get to our clinic at 8 am so when I saw we were running late I decided to not care. I have made a special effort to remain as relaxed as possible this cycle (you can thank my therapist for this new emphasis). So we got the sample..skipping some details..and we were on our way. Yall would crack up at me at how protective I am of our army of spermies in the cup. I keep the cup safely in the palm of my hand as I put my makeup on in the car with one hand (shaun is driving of course). And I proudly carry it into the clinic that way...no paper bag for me! After we dropped off the little guys, we headed over to mcdonalds to grab some breakfast (one of our favorite iui traditions). We got called back not long after we got back to the clinic. I had to laugh at my nurse because she asked me if it was okay if she did the IUI. I said "of course you've pretty much done all of them," and she said, "I know that's why I wanted to make sure it was okay with you and that you didn't want a change." She asked me how I was feeling, and I told her that I felt very fertile especially with all of this cm. Then I opened my big mouth and said "I mean Saturday was the best I have ever had." Well of course she got the wrong idea and thought I was talking about bding instead of cm...haha. It is very uncomfortable to laugh when a nurse is in your area trying to put a metal speculum in there. After the nurse left, Shaun praved over the IUI, and he prayed for a miracle. Then the nurse came in with Shaun's count, and this was his best yet at 187 million. And don't worry...we took a picture...I'm obviously not one for breaking traditions. I will try to post it tomorrow, but I'm still writing my blogs on my blackberry since my computer is broken.

Dr Appt Update

2008-11-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

Well I'm so glad we switched to injectibles! I had an ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday and today (cd 9), and it looks like we will have two to three follicles this cycle. My lining was also way thicker than it has ever been at 11! We are triggering tomorrow night and our IUI will be Monday morning. More to come soon...I'm having to blog on my blackberry because my home computer is broken. I'm still reading everyone's blog through google reader, but I'm not able to comment. So even though you might not hear from me...I'm pulling for all of you!

My First Injection Video

2008-11-08T20:26:00.000-08:00

Well my first injection went okay. I'm still not sure if I did it right, and I was scared to death. I had Shaun record me for two reasons: 1. I knew if all of you would be watching this video that I would have to finally get up the nerve to go on with the shot and 2. B-roll -just in case we are the next Jon & Kate Plus 8 as my nurse made sure to warn me about at my injections lesson on Friday. My husband obviously does not do camera work for a living like I do so I'm sorry that most of this video is of my chest and my stomach roll. Warning--do not watch if needles make you queasy.

"Not Pregnant"

2008-11-02T18:39:00.000-08:00

Did I mention how much I hate digital tests? Seeing "Not Pregnant" on a test is just too final and sad. Why can't they just say "Try Again", "Sorry," "No..darn it," or "Maybe Next Time?". Oh well girls! You know what this means...time to move on to injections. I remember thinking not that long ago that I would "never" give myself shots. Um yeah hand me that syringe...I'm ready...bring it on!

Emotional

2008-10-31T17:31:00.000-07:00

It is hard to even explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm just plain tired...emotionally and physically. I'm sure the progesterone supps three times a day aren't helping. Eight straight months of fertility meds is getting to be too much. I'm scared of a negative result. Will I have the strength to move on to an even more aggressive treatment? I really feel ridiculous. I'm in my mid 20s and my daily life revolves around infertility treatments. How did we get to this place?

Counting the days!

2008-10-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to stay extremely busy, but this two week wait is dragging! We did have a fun weekend including a pumpkin carving party on Friday night, a costume karaoke party on Saturday night, and a fall festival at our church tonight. But nothing can make your "ovaries cringe" (phrase my older brothers used to use when they were single to describe a girls reaction to them playing with babies e.g. "her ovaries were cringing" lol) more than all of these adorable babies in costume. Some of my favorites...a bunny, a monkey, a spider with his older brother who was spiderman, a pumpkin, and a bear. I can't help but hope that we will have a baby or two (!) this time next year.

IUI #3

2008-10-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

IUI #3 went very smoothly! We had 139 million spermies! We enjoyed our traditions of going to breakfast while the sperm gets washed, praying over the IUI after the nurse leaves, and taking a picture. Everyone has been so optimistic about this cycle for us...family, friends, my RE and nurses, even some blogger friends, but I think it is just because everyone doesn't want us to have to go to the next step. I'm not as emotionally or physically drained as I was when I first started going to my RE with all of the appointments, meds, and new procedures...I know what to expect now, and I feel like I'm friends with everyone at my RE's clinic so it is just makes it easier. And the 2ww isn't as hard because I don't expect to be pregnant anymore, I will just be shocked if/when it does happen. It is probably my way of dealing with the disappointment, but it definitely helps the 2ww not to be so painful.

What a Difference a Day Makes

2008-10-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

Well I think God is trying to show me who is in control, and it is definitely not me or my doctor. This morning I went back for an ultrasound, and my lining was thicker, fluid was gone, AND I had a 17 mm follicle! I am going to trigger Sunday night, and our IUI is Tuesday moning. My RE and I were both surprised. He told me that I can do injectibles next if I want to, but he is hoping I will get pregnant this time. I still believe my eoc theory in the post below is true, but I believe this is a fresh new follicle this time. Oh I hope this is the one!

Every Other Cycle Therory= Confirmed

2008-10-16T16:58:00.001-07:00

I'm so glad y'all had fun testing your husband's ttc knowledge! I really enjoyed hearing back from all of you about all of the funny answers and the impressive scores that came from our fabulous hubbies.

I almost posted a blog entry about my Every Other Cycle Theory on Tuesday night, but I decided we could all benefit from a fun post (the quiz) so now let me explain my theory before I tell you how it was confirmed yesterday.

EOC Theory: The entire time I have been monitored by my RE, I've only had a mature follicle every other cycle. I would have one cycle where I would go in for several ultrasounds and my follicles wouldn't grow (everyone would scratch their heads). Then I would go back the next cycle, and I would all of a sudden have this nice big juicy follicle that was ready for the trigger on cd 11. The next cycle after the trigger, we would be back to a no-try tiny slow growing follicles again. My theory is that these "mature" follicles that we find on cd 11 are leftover from the previous cycle. My RE doesn't do cycle day 3 ultrasounds so this whole time I've been trying with leftover follicles a.k.a cysts.

Theory Confirmed: Yesterday my mid-cycle u/s once again showed tiny follicles and a very thin lining 5mm. Apparently when I have the hcg shot, it triggers ovulation so it doesn't leave any leftover follicles hence why I didn't have a big one this time. I decided to go ahead and share my theory with my nurse and my RE...and they actually both seemed to somewhat believe me. I also had fluid around one of my ovaries so I'm going back for another u/s tomorrow to check on the fluid and to talk more with my RE about the next step.

So What Now??: Well obviously Femara isn't working so we have to move on to either injectibles or IVF. My RE tries to skip the injectibles step because it has a higher rate of multiples, and it is not a cost effective option in his opinion. Well the good news is that I talked to my insurance company yesterday afternoon, and they will cover the injectible meds. Since they are covering the cost, I'm going to try to convince him to let us do at least 2 injectible cycles.

I will try to post another update tomorrow!

TTC Hubby Quiz

2008-10-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

Shaun and I were talking the other day about how much he knows about the female reproductive system so I decided to give him an impromptu quiz. His answers definitely proved again my post below that I talk about this way too much! But since we got so many laughs out of it...I thought I would pass it on to all of you! Enjoy!

What Kind of TTC Hubby Are You?

1. Average number of days in a normal woman's cycle
2. Abbreviation for the urine tests that some women take daily before ovulation
3. First drug most doctors prescribe for infertility
4. Brand name of sperm friendly lubricant
5. First thing many ttc (trying to conceive) women do in the morning
6. Nickname for the hcg injection given to induce ovulation
7. 2ww stands for this
8. 2 common side effects of fertility meds
9. Name for spotting during very early pregnancy
10. IUI stands for this
11. The second half of a cycle after ovulation
12. Average length of that phase
13. IVF stands for this
14. Region of the body that the hcg injection is given
15. Measured during mid-cycle ultrasounds
16. Typical time length in hours between a hcg injection and an IUI
17. Acronym for pregnancy hormone
18. Hormone needed to support early pregnancy also known to cause PMS
19. Average day past ovulation that implantation would take place
20. The Big O
Answers below if you need them!

5 or less- "Spare Me the Details" Hubby--
The word "tampon" sends chills down your spine, and you do everything in your power to avoid talking about making a baby unless of course it has to do with sex. While your "manly" exterior is pretty cute at times, your wife needs you now more than ever to take a more active role.

6 to 10- "It Takes Two to Tango" Hubby--
You have surprised yourself with all of the knowledge you have absorbed from your wife's ttc talk. At first you tried to avoid the topic, but over time you have realized that it takes a strong partnership to make it through this tough time.

11-15- "Sweet as Puddin Pie" Hubby--
You care so much about your sweet wife, and you do your very best to understand all of these medical procedures. Sometimes you get your medical info just a little confused, but you know an impressive amount, and you are on your way to dr status in the near future!

16-20- "Just Call Me Doc" Hubby--
From FSH to LH to HCG and anything in between, you know it all! In fact, you know more about the female reproductive system than the majority of females. You are a great listener, and you give shots with skill and precision.

Dr. Shaun scored a 16! I made the descriptions for the points before he took the quiz so I wasn't partial...I actually thought he was going to be the "Sweet as Puddin Pie" Hubby...which he definitely is too :)

My mid-cycle u/s is tomorrow so I will post an update!

Answers to quiz: 1. 28; 2. OPK; 3. Clomid; 4. Pre-Seed; 5. Take temp; 6. Trigger shot; 7. Two Week Wait; 8. Hot flashes, moody, headaches, bloating...and more!; 9. Implantation Bleeding; 10. Intrauterine Insemination; 11. Luteal Phase; 12. 14 days; 13. In-Vitro Fertilization; 14. Butt; 15. Follicles and/or Uterine Lining; 16. 36 hours; 17. HCG; 18. Progesterone; 19. 7; 20. Ovulation (give your hubby the points if he put the other big o instead)